Interview with King Edmund, Queen Marion & Baldrick
We’ve seen the ups, and more usually the downs, of Edmund Blackadder. But thanks to a time machine and Baldrick’s cunning plan in Blackadder Back & Forth, Edmund becomes King and takes supermodel Kate Moss for his Queen. And in a rare act of generosity he makes Baldrick Prime Minister. Thanks to a special regard in which King Edmund holds Sunday, we were granted these exclusive interviews.
By Blackadder scriptwriter Richard Curtis.
Sunday: Your Majesty, in a break from royal tradition, you have decided that instead of staying at the draughty, unheated Balmoral Castle this year, you and 200 of your closest friends are the guests of a dodgy old billionaire at his Caribbean island. Why is that?
King Edmund: I am in fact doing it entirely for the sake of the nation. Certain people have become tired of the formality of the former Queen’s Christmas messages. I will therefore be addressing the nation this Christmas Day in a pair of skin-tight mini-trunks from the top of a high-diving board with the heavenly Gail Porter sitting on my shoulders in a fur bikini. I’m sure this will delight the people of Britain and bring joy to the Commonwealth.
Sunday: Sir, given your sometimes robust comments on modern architecture, can you share your thoughts on the Millennium Dome with us?
King Edmund: Certainly, it’s the most beautiful and exceptional piece of architecture since the Pathenon, and I will be spending the money that the Prime Minister paid me to answer that on a very fast new car.
Sunday: Now you are King, who would you like to see in the Tower?
King Edmund: Apart from those swines who ripped off the Mitchell brothers in EastEnders?
Sunday: Yes, apart from them?
King Edmund: Well, if ever you actually visit the Tower these days, it’s full of foreigners, and that feels about right to me.
Sunday: Are there any old laws or royal privileges you’d like to see brought back?
King Edmund: Three primarily, First, the divine right of kings, which lets you sleep with anyone you see at a party who looks divine. Second, the royal right of the highway, which lets you drive on both sides of the road, nay the pavement even, if it takes your fancy. And third, the right of Kings to answer no more than four questions from any magazine.
Sunday: And our final question is…
King Edmund: Shut Up.
Sunday: Ma’am, how do you manage to keep your figure what with all those state banquets?
Queen Marion: I normally find that Boris Yeltsin is perfectly happy to eat most of my food.
Sunday: Is there any truth in the rumour that your son is currently in Hollywood touting the idea of a behind-the-scenes documentary offering a revealing glimpse of you backstage at Milan Fashion Week, and that your beloved daughter-in-law has plans to rent advertising space on the side of your royal coach?
Queen Marion: My husband and I have, so far, not produced an heir. The people you are talking about must be impostors. Besides which, now that I am a model citizen, I have naturally given up modelling.
Prime Minister Baldrick
Sunday: Prime Minister, do you feel that your socialist plans to make the monarchy more relevant in the 21st century have been in any way changed by the deep and abiding debt of gratitude you owe your close friend King Edmund?
Baldrick: I am certainly happy to concede that the King had a strong influence on my decision to make the monarchy more relevant in the 21st century by giving the King total power over everything except the price of a dog licence.
Sunday: Sir, can you tell us more about your exciting plans for the People’s Millennium?
Baldrick: I don’t want to reveal too much, but I will just say that the prime event will take part in an exquisite building, the largest ever constructed by man, consisting of 12 enormous steel pylons with a pair of Pavarotti’s pants stretched over the top. Inside will be performed a mighty work of drama which will prominently feature root vegetables.
Sunday: And what part will your friend the chancellor of the Exchequer play in all this?
Baldrick: He will play the part of King Turnip.
Sunday: Some say the monarchy is finished and Britain needs a young, thrusting President with his First Lady by his side. What are your views?
Baldrick: Well, at first that seemed like an attractive idea. And on second thoughts it seemed a splendid though. But when I mentioned it to King Edmund earlier this month, he strung me up by my three softest parts for a week and a half. Therefore, after mature consideration and 10 days of torture, I can confidently tell you that it is a very bad idea.