Baldrick on Clown Court

The ‘Clown Court’ outtake sketch from Noel Edmonds’ House Party …

The Transcript:
I had to guess on the words that are muttered or bleeped. I tried to use the character names when things are said in character, and the actor name when out of character.

Judge: I have before me one of the most repulsive individuals that have ever appeared in this court.

Baldrick: Hello, Mr E.

Judge: Name?

Baldrick: Baldrick, Your Honour.

Judge: First name?

Baldrick: Drop dead.

Judge: I beg your pardon!

Baldrick: That’s my first name. I think it is, anyway, ’cause when people see me they shout out, “Drop dead, Baldrick!”

Judge: Very well, Mr D. Baldrick. You stand accused of great stupidity.

Baldrick: Thank you, Your Honour.

Outtake from `Duel and Duality’: Baldrick talking to Edmund.

Baldrick: I can’t tell you what it is unless you want me to tell you, and you told me you didn’t want me to tell you, and I fuck that’s the the wrong word and I beg your pardon [the rest obscured by laughter and his hand covering his mouth].

Outtake from `Nob and Nobility’: The farewell scene.

Edmund: We must leave at once. The shadows lengthen, and we have a ong and arduous journey ahead of us. Farewell, dear master and — dare I say? — friend.

[They shake hands and embrace, then separate.]

Prince: Farewell, brave liberator and — dare I say it? — butler.

[Edmund opens the door for Baldrick, who is carrying all the supplies. Prince turns and begins to sob.]

Baldrick: I can’t get through the fucking door.

Judge: Not an impressive start, I’m sure you’ll agree. What’s worse, it seems to have rubbed off on your master and made him stupid too.

Outtake from `Amy and Amiability’: Edmund looking in a book for potential wives for the Prince Regent.

Edmund: Oh god.

[He closes the book, and its cover hits another book on a pile nearby.]

Edmund: Oh god, could I start again?

Outtake from `Dish and Dishonesty’: Edmund checking the pulse of Sir Talbot Buxomly.

Edmund: He’s dead, sir.

Prince: Dead?

Edmund: Yes, Your Highness.

Prince: Oh, what bad luck — we were rather getting on.

Edmund: We must move at once.

Prince: In which direction?

Edmund: Sir Gerald represent– SIR GERALD?! He’s not Sir Gerald!

Buxomly: [suddenly alive] Gerald?

Prince: Who’s Sir Gerald?

Judge: In fact, he was meant to be here. Do you have any explanation as to why he has failed to appear?

Baldrick: Er, no, Your Honour, but he did give me this note. [takes note from the front of his trousers]

Judge: Ah, good. Read it.

Baldrick: Erm… [unrolls it] Er… [looks at its edges confusedly]

Judge: You can’t read, can you…

Baldrick: Well, not as such, Your Honour, but I can sing `Mary Had A Little Lamb’ with some extremely amusing naughty lyrics.

Judge: Yeah, well… [to the (what are they called?) record taker] Pass the note over, will you.

[The record taker delivers the note.]

Judge: “From Edmund Blackadder to Lord Chief Justice Edmonds. Dear Sir, the reason I can’t be present is because … I’ve got far better things to do with my time than turn up at your stupid court, you overdressed beardy weirdy.” Well, I’d be a lot more impressed if he didn’t waste so much of other people’s time.

Outtake from `Amy and Amiability’: Edmund returns home after realising that Amy’s family doesn’t actually have any money, but the Prince has just gone out and bought a lot of gold things.

Edmund: [carries his cape as he walks down the stairs] Crisis, Baldrick!

Crisis! No marriage, no money and more bills! [begins to try putting on the cape] For the first time in my life, I’ve decided to follow a oh fuck I’ve forgot how to put this up.

[Baldrick looks confused about what his master just has said.]

Outtake from `Amy and Amiability’: Same scene.

Edmund: [again, carrying the cape and not attempting to put it on until he reaches the bottom of the stairs] Crisis, Baldrick! Crisis! No marriage, no money and more bills! For the first time in my life, I’ve decided to follow a suggestion of yours. Why the bloody hell doesn’t this work?

[Baldrick looks confused about what his master just has said.]

Judge: What do you make of that?

Baldrick: I don’t know, Your Honour, but Mr B does say it’s very difficult to get things right when I’m around, because of the fetid smell of boneheaded stupidity.

Judge: So are you to blame for this as well?

Outtake from `Ink and Incapability’: Dr Samuel Johnson has arrived.

[knock on door]

Prince: Enter!

Edmund: [opens doors, entering the room] Dr Johnson, Your Highness.

[Johnson enters]

Prince: Ah, Dr Johnson! Damn cold day!

Johnson: Indeed it is, sir — but a very fine one, for I celebrated last night the…

Prince: …what?

Johnson: I can’t remember.

Baldrick: Yes, that is my fault, Your Honour. Think about it: I mean, the cleverest man in the whole of England thinks he’s coming to visit the Prince of Wales, and when he knocks at the door it’s opened by a dungball in trousers.

Outtake from `Sense and Senility’: Baldrick has heard the actors supposedly conspiring against the Prince. He rushes to warn the Prince, who is preparing to rehearse a scene with the actors.

[Hugh Laurie, the actor playing the Prince, is still preparing himself to begin the scene. He is taken by surprise when the door opens and Tony Robinson, the actor playing Baldrick, already is in character and has begun.]

Baldrick: [rushing through the doors, closing them behind him] Murder! Murder! Murder! Murder!

Hugh: Oh, damn, I’m not ready. [turns to Baldrick, trying to convey to the actor not to do the scene now] No, no, no, no!

Baldrick: [jumping in feverish anxiety] The revolution has started! [I can’t decipher the next line, but it isn’t the same as in the finished product.]

Prince: [opens the door] No, it hasn’t started. [motions his arm out the door]

Baldrick: Oh. [turns to the camera as he leaves] Merry Christmas, VT!

[Hugh closes the door and rushes back to his starting point.]

Outtake from `Sense and Senility’: Same scene.

Baldrick: [rushes through the doors] Murder! Murder!

[Prince draws his sword]

Baldrick: [closes the doors behind him, but pulls the handle off one in his feverish entrance] Murder! Murder! Oh shit!

Prince: What? What? What?

Baldrick: [picking up the handle] I can’t let go of the fucking doorway handle!

Judge: [now holding his gavel] Do you have anything to say before your sentence?

Baldrick: No, I don’t, Your Honour, but Mr Blackadder did ask me to give you a special message.

Judge: Ah. Which is…?

Baldrick: Er, “Show the little git no mercy; the death penalty is too good for this cauliflower-craniumed creep.”

Judge: Excellent. I shall take his advice. Mr D. Baldrick, of 17 Rubbish Rail, London: I condemn you to death. [bangs his gavel]

Baldrick: Thank you very much, Your Honour. It’s too good for me.

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