{"id":874,"date":"2012-10-10T20:21:02","date_gmt":"2012-10-10T19:21:02","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.blackadderhall.com\/?p=874"},"modified":"2012-10-10T20:21:02","modified_gmt":"2012-10-10T19:21:02","slug":"lost-blackadder-script-uncovered","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.blackadderhall.com\/?p=874","title":{"rendered":"Lost Blackadder ‘Script’ uncovered"},"content":{"rendered":"

Below is an extract from Richard Curtis’ \u00a0screenplay for a Christmas Special of Blackadder that was never made back in 1988.<\/h2>\n
\n

The script is taken from a new book<\/a>\u00a0on Blackadder written by Jem Roberts.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\n

ROLLER & VOICE-OVER (WITH CHORAL ACCOMPANIMENT, ANGELS, ETC)<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\n

\u201cAnd it came to pass, in those days when a decree went out from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be enrolled. This was the first enrolment, when Quirinius was Governor of Syria. And all went to be enrolled, each to his own city. And this did constitute an enormous business opportunity for Hoteliers all over the land of Judah, not least in the city of David, which is called Bethlehem.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\n

Cut to the outside of the inn; the sign reads \u201cBlackadder Inn: Merry Enrolment Day!\u201d Caption: 24 December.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\n

SCENE 1 THE FOYER<\/strong><\/p>\n

It should be quite realistic, not a romanised reception desk. Enter Blackadder. He has long Jewish locks \u2013 looks Arabic.<\/p>\n

Blackadder: Baldrick! (Enter Baldrick. He looks awful, as usual) Where the hell is that turkey?<\/p>\n

Baldrick: What turkey, master?<\/p>\n

Blackadder: I told you to buy a turkey for tonight\u2019s special supper. For Jehovah\u2019s sake this is the most important night in the history of this hotel \u2013 please our customers tonight and we\u2019ll get them back every year \u2013 tonight could be the beginning of something big, something which will change the world.<\/p>\n

Baldrick: All right, I\u2019ll go out and get it\u2026<\/p>\n

SCENE 2 THE KITCHEN<\/strong><\/p>\n

Baldrick is arriving back. He takes a big turkey out of his sack, clears the table, and begins to pluck it. But as he pulls out the first feather\u2026<\/p>\n

Turkey: What the hell are you doing?<\/p>\n

Baldrick: Who said that?<\/p>\n

Turkey: Me.<\/p>\n

Baldrick: Oh, my God.<\/p>\n

Turkey: What an incredible way to behave \u2013 bring me back here to your house, and then start tearing my bloody feathers out. You little b——!<\/p>\n

Baldrick: But I have to do it; you\u2019re the master\u2019s supper.<\/p>\n

Turkey: (utter outrage) I beg your pardon?<\/p>\n

Baldrick: You\u2019re the special dinner.<\/p>\n

Turkey: Wait a second \u2013 you mean, not satisfied with tearing my feathers out, you\u2019re actually going to eat me as well?<\/p>\n

Baldrick: That\u2019s right.<\/p>\n

Turkey: But I\u2019m a talking turkey \u2013 with me, you could buy a hundred ordinary turkeys.<\/p>\n

Enter Blackadder slightly flappy.<\/em><\/p>\n

Blackadder: Baldrick \u2013 we need some entertainment for tonight.<\/p>\n

Baldrick: We\u2019ve already got it, lots of wine and our special feast. Although \u2013<\/p>\n

Blackadder: No, come on, come on \u2013 entertainments \u2013 you know, snake tamers, lion charmers, that kind of thing. Can you think of anyone in that line?<\/p>\n

Baldrick: Well, my cousin is a very good all-round family entertainer.<\/p>\n

Blackadder: (suspicious) Really?<\/p>\n

Baldrick: Well, he\u2019s not a bad magician.<\/p>\n

Blackadder: Tell the truth, Baldrick. (Hits him.)<\/p>\n

Baldrick: My cousin\u2019s a c— magician, but he\u2019s got a collection of funny hats. (Blackadder just hits him.) My cousin\u2019s got one funny cap.<\/p>\n

Blackadder: Then get him round here at once \u2013 and finish plucking that turkey.<\/p>\n

Baldrick: I can\u2019t.<\/p>\n

Blackadder: Why not?<\/p>\n

Baldrick: Well, I\u2019ll let the turkey answer for itself.<\/p>\n

Blackadder: I\u2019m sorry?<\/p>\n

Baldrick: It\u2019s a talking turkey.<\/p>\n

Blackadder: Of course it is. (To the turkey.) Tell me, we\u2019re undecided what vegetables to do with you. What do you think? Peas or parsnips? (Pause.) Sorry \u2013 didn\u2019t quite catch that. (Pause.) Mmm \u2013 Baldrick \u2013 do you remember what the punishment for lying and time wasting is under Roman law?<\/p>\n

Baldrick: Ahm\u2026<\/p>\n

Blackadder: It\u2019s something to do with a hand and a very sharp axe, isn\u2019t it?<\/p>\n

Baldrick: Oh, yes.<\/p>\n

Blackadder: Now, get that cousin, and round up any other entertainers, or we\u2019re in trouble. And get that turkey in \u2026 NOW!<\/p>\n

(Blackadder leaves.)<\/p>\n

Baldrick: Why didn\u2019t you say anything while he was here?<\/p>\n

Turkey: I was shy.<\/p>\n

Baldrick: Well, I\u2019m going to have to do it anyway.<\/p>\n

Turkey: You cruel b——.<\/p>\n

Baldrick: But I\u2019ll go and talk to my cousin first.<\/p>\n

Turkey: Phew. At least it gives me time to make peace with God\u2026 Oh, and by the way\u2026 if it comes down to parsnips or peas, I prefer parsnips.<\/p>\n

Baldrick: Brilliant.<\/p>\n

SCENE 3 FOYER<\/strong><\/p>\n

A bunch of people are checking in. Blackadder is quite thrilled\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n

Blackadder: Excellent, excellent. (He eventually has to write \u201cNo\u201d in front of \u201cVacancies\u201d) Brilliant.\u00a0The place is full. Rachel \u2013 Baldrick \u2013 if anyone else comes \u2013 it is full. We haven\u2019t got room to squeeze in a mouse\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n

He exits, as Rachel potters round the desk. There is a sound of angels vaguely in the background \u2013 and Joseph enters, a nice man with a beard.<\/em><\/p>\n

Joseph: Good evening. Is there any room at the inn?<\/p>\n

Rachel: I\u2019m afraid not.<\/p>\n

Joseph: What \u2013 totally sold out?<\/p>\n

Rachel: Totally booked up.<\/p>\n

Joseph: Fine. Fine. Oh, god. (He starts to cry.)<\/p>\n

Rachel: What\u2019s the matter?<\/p>\n

Joseph: Oh, no, it\u2019s fine. It\u2019s just that my wife and I have been travelling for weeks now \u2013 and she\u2019s about to give birth, I mean literally it could be at any moment. And, well, I suppose she\u2019ll just have to have the baby in the street.<\/p>\n

Rachel: Well, maybe we could find somewhere. Go on, bring your wife in.<\/p>\n

Joseph: Oh, thank you very much. (He goes to the door.) Darling \u2013 there\u2019s a place!<\/p>\n

It turns out that Blackadder is actually returning, and nose to nose with him. Blackadder is not happy.<\/em><\/p>\n

Blackadder: I\u2019m sorry?<\/p>\n

Joseph: I was just telling my wife there was a room here.<\/p>\n

Blackadder: Ah \u2013 and who told you that?<\/p>\n

Rachel: It was me.<\/p>\n

Blackadder: And where is this extraordinary room going to magically spring from?<\/p>\n

Rachel: Well, I thought perhaps they might stay\u2026 (Enter Baldrick.) In Baldrick\u2019s room.<\/p>\n

Blackadder: Oh, well, yes, all right. How about I offer you this young man\u2019s room?<\/p>\n

Joseph: That sounds excellent.<\/p>\n

Blackadder: Yes. It\u2019s not that excellent \u2013 less of a room, more of a manger.<\/p>\n

Joseph: As long as it\u2019s inside, it\u2019ll do us.<\/p>\n

Blackadder: Ah.<\/p>\n

Joseph: It\u2019s outside?<\/p>\n

Baldrick: Outsidish. Come on \u2013 you\u2019ll be all right.<\/p>\n

Blackadder: Great, let\u2019s get on with the evening. And tell her, if she does have the kid, to keep the noise down. We don\u2019t want him crying during the entertainment.<\/p>\n

SCENE 4 THE MANGER.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Baldrick leads Joseph in. It is a total hole.<\/em><\/p>\n

Baldrick: Here we go. Had any thoughts about what you\u2019re going to call the baby?<\/p>\n

Joseph: Not really. If it was a girl we thought maybe after its mother.<\/p>\n

Baldrick: What\u2019s her name?<\/p>\n

Joseph: Mary. We\u2019re having a lot more trouble with the boy\u2019s name. Any ideas?<\/p>\n

Baldrick: Well, my name\u2019s Baldrick, but I doubt if you\u2019d want that.<\/p>\n

Joseph: Well, it\u2019s not bad. Baldrick. Yes, not bad\u2026<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Below is an extract from Richard Curtis’ \u00a0screenplay for a Christmas Special of Blackadder that was never made back in 1988. The script is taken from a new book\u00a0on Blackadder written by Jem Roberts. ROLLER & VOICE-OVER (WITH CHORAL ACCOMPANIMENT, ANGELS, ETC) \u201cAnd it came to pass, in those days when a decree went out […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-874","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-specials"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p54TBn-e6","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":870,"url":"https:\/\/www.blackadderhall.com\/?p=870","url_meta":{"origin":874,"position":0},"title":"Biblical Blackadder Uncovered in NEW Book!","author":"admin","date":"7 October 2012","format":false,"excerpt":"source: BBC.co.uk A draft script for a Christmas episode of Blackadder has come to light during research for a new book about the BBC's classic comedy series. Blackadder in Bethlehem sees Rowan Atkinson's character as the owner of the inn where Joseph and Mary seek a bed for the night.\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Series"","block_context":{"text":"Series","link":"https:\/\/www.blackadderhall.com\/?cat=4"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.blackadderhall.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/09\/ba_book-191x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":901,"url":"https:\/\/www.blackadderhall.com\/?p=901","url_meta":{"origin":874,"position":1},"title":"Rare Blackadder Christmas Script Goes Under The Hammer","author":"admin","date":"17 December 2012","format":false,"excerpt":"Source: Coastal Scene 24 A signed 22-page draft for an unfilmed Blackadder Christmas special was a star attraction at a recent fundraising auction held at Bruisyard Hall, near Framlingham. It was bought by the venue\u2019s Paul Rous, who was delighted to have secured the manuscript. \u201cI have always thoroughly enjoyed\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Fan stuff"","block_context":{"text":"Fan stuff","link":"https:\/\/www.blackadderhall.com\/?cat=3"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":1549,"url":"https:\/\/www.blackadderhall.com\/?p=1549","url_meta":{"origin":874,"position":2},"title":"Richard Curtis teases \u201cgorgeous\u201d Reunion","author":"admin","date":"26 June 2019","format":false,"excerpt":"Blackadder co-creator and bloody good egg Richard Curtis is currently doing the press tour for his latest movie Yesterday (which he wrote) - it's about a guy from East Enders who sings songs by The Beatles (I know, I'm really selling it). I haven't seen it yet, but I've been\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Cast & Crew"","block_context":{"text":"Cast & Crew","link":"https:\/\/www.blackadderhall.com\/?cat=2"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":407,"url":"https:\/\/www.blackadderhall.com\/?p=407","url_meta":{"origin":874,"position":3},"title":"Blackadder Remastered – The Ultimate Edition","author":"admin","date":"20 October 2009","format":false,"excerpt":"It has been quite a while since I last updated Blackadder Hall; to be honest, there has been hardly anything of great worth to write about so the site has been ticking along on its own for the past couple of years. However, time has come for me to do\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Shop"","block_context":{"text":"Shop","link":"https:\/\/www.blackadderhall.com\/?cat=5"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":424,"url":"https:\/\/www.blackadderhall.com\/?p=424","url_meta":{"origin":874,"position":4},"title":"Blackadder Rides Again for Christmas","author":"admin","date":"24 November 2008","format":false,"excerpt":"As mentioned by me some time ago, Blackadder will be making a return to BBC1 this Christmas, albeit in a documentary celebrating 25 years. The programme will be called \u201cBlackadder Rides Again\u201d - a title which will no doubt confuse viewers; leading them to think that its an actual one-off\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Cast & Crew"","block_context":{"text":"Cast & Crew","link":"https:\/\/www.blackadderhall.com\/?cat=2"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":413,"url":"https:\/\/www.blackadderhall.com\/?p=413","url_meta":{"origin":874,"position":5},"title":"Blackadder meets Shakespeare – NOT Blackadder","author":"admin","date":"22 January 2009","format":false,"excerpt":"Hot news just in. I emailed writer Richard Curtis regarding the charity sketch that has for a long time been considered a \u2018Blackadder\u2019 special. Well, not wanting to be the bearer of bad news, I can confirm that this is NOT a Blackadder sketch. Rowan is simply playing an un-named\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Series"","block_context":{"text":"Series","link":"https:\/\/www.blackadderhall.com\/?cat=4"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.blackadderhall.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/874","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.blackadderhall.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.blackadderhall.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.blackadderhall.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.blackadderhall.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=874"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.blackadderhall.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/874\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.blackadderhall.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=874"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.blackadderhall.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=874"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.blackadderhall.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=874"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}