{"id":248,"date":"2011-10-12T11:03:32","date_gmt":"2011-10-12T10:03:32","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/tonenoir.co.uk\/?page_id=248"},"modified":"2011-10-12T11:03:32","modified_gmt":"2011-10-12T10:03:32","slug":"the-cavalier-years","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/www.blackadderhall.com\/?page_id=248","title":{"rendered":"The Cavalier Years"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>This sketch was performed as part of the BBC telethon Comic Relief. I have included the transcript on this site because it is not available in book form. The sketch appears on the Blackadder Back &amp; Forth DVD and the Blackadder Remastered DVD Collection that is sold in the UK and USA. You can purchase those in the shop or by using the Amazon search boxes on the left.<\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p><iframe loading=\"lazy\" width=\"420\" height=\"315\" src=\"http:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/_SXf9-Z3jwk\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen><\/iframe><\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p><strong>The Cast:<\/strong><br \/>\nSir Edmund Blackadder &#8211; Rowan Atkinson<br \/>\nBaldrick &#8211; Tony Robinson<br \/>\nKing Charles I &#8211; Stephen Fry<br \/>\nCromwell &#8211; Warren Clarke<\/p>\n<p><strong>The Script:<\/strong><\/p>\n<p align=\"center\">Transcribed by <a href=\"mailto:%20keeper@cruzio.com;%20keeper@armory.com\">Ron O&#8217;Dell<\/a><br \/>\n[revision 30 April 2002]<\/p>\n<p><strong>NARRATOR<\/strong><br \/>\nIn 1648, King Charles was in flight from the wrath of Cromwell &amp; his Roundheads.\u00a0 Only two men remained faithful, risking certain death by their fidelity to the crown.\u00a0 One was the sole descendent of a great historical English dynasty &#8212; his name, Sir Edmund Blackadder.\u00a0 The other was the sole descendent of an unfortunate meeting between a pig-farmer &amp; bearded lady.\u00a0 History has, quite rightly, forgotten his name.<\/p>\n<p><em><strong>Blackadder Hall; November 1648<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\n<em>coming into the hall (same set as Blackadder&#8217;s quarters in BA3)<\/em><br \/>\nBaldrick!<\/p>\n<p><strong>BALDRICK<\/strong><br \/>\n<em>cutting heads off fish<\/em><br \/>\nYes, sir?<\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\n<em>throws his hat down; rubs his hands together<\/em><br \/>\nGet me some mulled ale, will you?\u00a0 I&#8217;m freezing.<\/p>\n<p><strong>BALDRICK<\/strong><br \/>\nHow&#8217;s the King, sir?<\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\nErm, about as comfortable as can be expected for a man who&#8217;s spending the winter in a blackcurrant bush.<\/p>\n<p><strong>BALDRICK<\/strong><br \/>\n<em>dropping spices into an ale goblet<\/em><br \/>\nDo you think the Roundheads will find him?<br \/>\n<em>gives ale goblet to Edmund<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\nCertainly not.\u00a0 I&#8217;ve assured him that he is as likely to be caught as fox being chased by a pack of one-legged hunting tortoises.<br \/>\n<em>drinks<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>BALDRICK<\/strong><br \/>\n<em>challengingly<\/em><br \/>\nIs that true?<\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\nYes, of course it&#8217;s true.\u00a0 Have you ever known me to lie to the King?<\/p>\n<p><strong>BALDRICK<\/strong><br \/>\nYes.<\/p>\n<p><em>Edmund quickly puts down his ale, grabs Baldrick from across the table, picks up a knife and holds it to him.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>BALDRICK<\/strong><br \/>\nNo.<\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\nExactly.\u00a0 He is absolutely safe as long as you keep your fat mouth shut.<\/p>\n<p><strong>BALDRICK<\/strong><br \/>\nYou can trust me, sir.<\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\n<em>laughs; lets go; puts down knife<\/em><br \/>\nRight, Baldrick; I&#8217;m off to answer the call of nature.<br \/>\n<em>heads for stairs<\/em><br \/>\nIf, by any freak chance, Oliver Cromwell drops in here for a cup of milk in the next ninety seconds, remember:<br \/>\n<em>points at Baldrick from the top of the stairs; speaks insistently<\/em><br \/>\nThe King is not hiding here.<\/p>\n<p><strong>BALDRICK<\/strong><br \/>\nYes, sir.<br \/>\n<em>goes back to chopping fish heads; begins to sing<\/em><br \/>\n&#8220;Greensleeves is&#8211;&#8221;<\/p>\n<p><em>Oliver Cromwell drops in.\u00a0 He is accompanied by a Roundhead.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>CROMWELL<\/strong><br \/>\nGood evening, citizen!\u00a0 I am Oliver Cromwell.\u00a0 My men have surrounded your house, and I am looking for royalist scum.<br \/>\n<em>draws his sword; points it at Baldrick<\/em><br \/>\nIs the King hiding here?<\/p>\n<p><strong>BALDRICK<\/strong><br \/>\nErm&#8230;<br \/>\n<em>thinks &#8230; thinks &#8230; thinks &#8230;<\/em><br \/>\nNo.<\/p>\n<p><strong>CROMWELL<\/strong><br \/>\n<em>points sword up to Baldrick&#8217;s throat<\/em><br \/>\nOn pain of death and damnation, are you absolutely sure?<\/p>\n<p><strong>BALDRICK<\/strong><br \/>\nYes, I am.<\/p>\n<p><strong>CROMWELL<\/strong><br \/>\nI see.<br \/>\n<em>sheaths sword<\/em><br \/>\nWell then, my proud beauty,<br \/>\n<em>strokes the back of Baldrick&#8217;s head<\/em><br \/>\nyou won&#8217;t mind if my men come in from the cold, will you&#8230;<\/p>\n<p><strong>ROUNDHEAD<\/strong><br \/>\n<em>shouts out the door<\/em><br \/>\nMen! Come in from the cold, will you!<\/p>\n<p><strong>CROMWELL<\/strong><br \/>\n<em>picks up a purple cup and the milk jug while Baldrick has turned back to his kitchen table<\/em><br \/>\nNow; we shall all have a cup of milk by your fireside.<\/p>\n<p><strong>BALDRICK<\/strong><br \/>\nAll right, but don&#8217;t touch the purple cup.<\/p>\n<p><strong>CROMWELL<\/strong><br \/>\nWhy not?<\/p>\n<p><strong>BALDRICK<\/strong><br \/>\nThat&#8217;s the King&#8217;s.<\/p>\n<p><em><strong>Two Weeks Later. The Tower of London.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>King Charles is praying at the foot of the bed.\u00a0 The door opens, and he stands and turns as Cromwell and a guard enter.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>CROMWELL<\/strong><br \/>\n<em>to guard<\/em><br \/>\nThank you, citizen.\u00a0 You may leave me alone with King Charles.<\/p>\n<p><em>The guard bows and exits.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>KING<\/strong><br \/>\nAh, Mr Cromwell! How delightful to see you again.<br \/>\n<em>shakes Cromwell&#8217;s hand<\/em><br \/>\nUm, don&#8217;t get up.\u00a0 Tell me: Er, have you come far?<\/p>\n<p><strong>CROMWELL<\/strong><br \/>\nI have, sir! from country squire to Lord Protector of England!<\/p>\n<p><strong>KING<\/strong><br \/>\nFascinating! Absolutely fascinating.\u00a0 Erm, tell me: Er, what exactly does a Lord Protector do, as it were?<\/p>\n<p><strong>CROMWELL<\/strong><br \/>\nHe spells your doom, sir!<\/p>\n<p><strong>KING<\/strong><br \/>\nHe spells my doom?\u00a0 Wonderful!\u00a0 Well, that&#8217;s particularly exciting, because so many people these days can&#8217;t spell at all! er, particularly, as you know, in the inner cities, which is my area of interest.<\/p>\n<p><strong>CROMWELL<\/strong><br \/>\nPretty speech, sir! But all your fine words won&#8217;t save you from the scaffold!<\/p>\n<p><em>A cowled priest has entered<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>KING<\/strong><br \/>\n<em>to Cromwell<\/em><br \/>\nJolly good!\u00a0 Fascinating!\u00a0 Carry on.<\/p>\n<p><strong>CROMWELL<\/strong><br \/>\nA priest, sir, to help you make your peace with God before you die!<br \/>\n<em>exits<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>KING<\/strong><br \/>\n<em>to priest<\/em><br \/>\nAh, hello!<\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND (for the priest is he)<\/strong><br \/>\nYour Majesty, I can arrange for certain monies to be paid, to allow you to escape.<br \/>\n<em>removes cowl<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>KING<\/strong><br \/>\nBlackadder!\u00a0 You&#8217;re dressed as a priest! How dangerous and stupid and perverted!\u00a0 It&#8217;s just like school!\u00a0 [mumbles something]<\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\nSire, this is a matter of life and death.<\/p>\n<p><strong>KING<\/strong><br \/>\nNonsense, Blackadder &#8212; I don&#8217;t think there&#8217;s a jury in England that would bring in a verdict of guilty against <strong>me<\/strong>.<\/p>\n<p><em>There&#8217;s a knock on the door, and the guard returns, delivering a piece of paper to Edmund.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>GUARD<\/strong><br \/>\nYour Majesty &#8212; the verdict of the jury.<br \/>\n<em>exits<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>KING<\/strong><br \/>\nSo, what does it say? Er, ?Guilty?, or ?Not Guilty??<\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\n<em>looks at it<\/em><br \/>\nI&#8217;ll give you two guesses.<\/p>\n<p><strong>KING<\/strong><br \/>\nEr, ?Not Guilty?.<\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\nOne more guess.<\/p>\n<p><em>Blackadder Hall. Baldrick is holding a fish in his right hand, and whacking at its head with a wooden rod.\u00a0 He then puts the rod down and inserts a knife into the fish&#8217;s gills. Edmund enters.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\nOh, damn &#8212; one measly civil war in the entire history of England, and I&#8217;m on the wrong bloody side!<\/p>\n<p><strong>BALDRICK<\/strong><br \/>\nSomething wrong, sir?<\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\nYes, Baldrick, yes, there is.\u00a0 Don&#8217;t you realise that, if the King dies, we royalists are doomed?\u00a0 We will enter a hideous age of puritanism &#8212; they&#8217;ll close all the theatres; lace handkerchiefs for men will be illegal; and I won&#8217;t be able to find a friendly face to sit on this side of Boulogne.\u00a0 If they so much as suspect our loyalties, our property will be forfeit and we&#8217;ll be for the chop.<\/p>\n<p><strong>BALDRICK<\/strong><br \/>\nOoh, I love chops&#8230;<\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\nBaldrick, your brain is like the four-headed man-eating haddock fish-beast of Aberdeen.<\/p>\n<p><strong>BALDRICK<\/strong><br \/>\nIn what way?<\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\nIt doesn&#8217;t exist.\u00a0 Oh god, what are we going to do?<\/p>\n<p><strong>BALDRICK<\/strong><br \/>\nDon&#8217;t despair, sir; something will pop up.<\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\nNot under puritanism, it won&#8217;t.\u00a0 We must do something, otherwise the Blackadders are as doomed as that ant.<\/p>\n<p><strong>BALDRICK<\/strong><br \/>\nWhat ant?<\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\n<em>picks up a meat tenderiser, bangs it against the table, then holds up the tenderiser for Baldrick to see<\/em><br \/>\nThat one.<\/p>\n<p><em><strong>January 30th. The day of the Execution of King Charles the First.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>The Tower of London.\u00a0 King Charles sits on the bed.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>KING<\/strong><br \/>\nSo this is the day of the execution of Charles the First&#8230;<\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\n<em>tossing an orange from the fruit basket to himself<\/em><br \/>\nAbsolutely not, Your Majesty!\u00a0 Those Roundhead traitors have one final hurdle that they will never straddle.<\/p>\n<p><strong>KING<\/strong><br \/>\nHow fascinating!\u00a0 Erm, what is that, exactly?<\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\nThey will never find a man to behead you.\u00a0 They&#8217;d have hundreds of volunteers to cut Cromwell&#8217;s head off &#8212; he&#8217;s such an ugly devil. He&#8217;s got so many warts on his face that it&#8217;s only when he sneezes that you find out which one is his nose.\u00a0 But they will never find a man to execute you.<\/p>\n<p><strong>KING<\/strong><br \/>\n<em>stands<\/em><br \/>\nWell, you see, I find that absolutely tragic!\u00a0 You know, there are so many young people who would leap at a chance like this. Oh, I don&#8217;t know &#8230; all they need is the initiative, somehow.\u00a0 I suppose, in a sense, that&#8217;s what my [Wolf?] Scheme is all about.<\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\nReally&#8230;<\/p>\n<p><strong>KING<\/strong><br \/>\nYes.\u00a0 On the other hand, of course, I don&#8217;t <strong>want<\/strong> my head cut off&#8230;\u00a0 Er, it&#8217;s a question of balance, isn&#8217;t it? like with so many things.<\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\nShut up &#8212; with the greatest respect &#8212; Your Majesty.<\/p>\n<p><strong>KING<\/strong><br \/>\nThank you.<\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\nThey will never find an executioner, and if they do, may my conjugal dipstick turn into a tennis racket.<\/p>\n<p><em>There is a knock on the door.\u00a0 Edmund puts the cowl over his head as the guard enters with a message, giving it to Edmund.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>GUARD<\/strong><br \/>\nA message for the King.<br \/>\n<em>exits<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\n<em>reads the message<\/em><br \/>\nAh&#8230;<br \/>\n<em>He drops his orange; it bounces back up as though hit by a tennis racket.\u00a0 He looks a bit confused, and casts his eyes downward.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>Blackadder Hall.\u00a0 Baldrick is singing while chopping heads off fish.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>BALDRICK<\/strong><br \/>\n&#8220;There&#8217;s a tavern in the town &#8212; IN THE TOWN!&#8221;<\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\nFor God&#8217;s sake, stop that, Baldrick!\u00a0 It&#8217;s bad enough having one&#8217;s life in utter ruins without being serenaded by a moron with all the entertainment value of a tap-dancing oyster.<\/p>\n<p><strong>BALDRICK<\/strong><br \/>\nI&#8217;m sorry, sir &#8212; I can&#8217;t help it.\u00a0 See, I&#8217;ve just had a little windfall.<\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\nBaldrick, I&#8217;ve told you before: If you&#8217;re going to do that, go into the garden.<\/p>\n<p><strong>BALDRICK<\/strong><br \/>\nNo &#8212; I mean I&#8217;ve come into some money.<\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\nReally&#8230; Family inheritance?<\/p>\n<p><strong>BALDRICK<\/strong><br \/>\nNo.\u00a0 I ate that ages ago.<\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\nOh yes, of course &#8212; your thoughtful father bequeathed you a turnip.<\/p>\n<p><strong>BALDRICK<\/strong><br \/>\nNo, it was fifty pounds, actually; it was delicious.\u00a0 But this is just a little something that fell in my lap.<\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\nNot the first time that there&#8217;s been a little something in your lap, Baldrick.<\/p>\n<p><strong>BALDRICK<\/strong><br \/>\nNo&#8230; But this one is a job.<\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\nReally&#8230;<br \/>\n<em>paying more attention to the message delivered in the previous scene<\/em><br \/>\nI just don&#8217;t understand it.\u00a0 Where on Earth did they find a man so utterly without heart and soul, so low and degraded as to accept the job of beheading the King of England?<br \/>\n<em>He pauses, looks into the camera, and turns to Baldrick.<\/em><br \/>\nBaldrick&#8230;<\/p>\n<p><strong>BALDRICK<\/strong><br \/>\nYeah?<\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\nThat little job that fell into your lap&#8230;<\/p>\n<p><strong>BALDRICK<\/strong><br \/>\nYes?<\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\nIt wasn&#8217;t, by any chance, something to do with an axe, a basket, a little black mask, and the King of England&#8230;?<\/p>\n<p><strong>BALDRICK<\/strong><br \/>\nNah&#8230;<\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\nGo on.<\/p>\n<p><strong>BALDRICK<\/strong><br \/>\nI couldn&#8217;t find a basket.<\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\nYou very small total bastard!<br \/>\n<em>grabs him and picks up the axe from the table<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>BALDRICK<\/strong><br \/>\nOh, please, sir! Don&#8217;t kill me!\u00a0 I have a cunning plan to save the King!<\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\nWell, you&#8217;ll forgive me if I don&#8217;t do a cartwheel of joy; your family&#8217;s record in the department of cunning planning is about as impressive as Stumpy O&#8217;Leg McNoleg&#8217;s personal best in the Market Harborough Marathon.\u00a0 All right&#8230; What&#8217;s the plan?<br \/>\n<em>puts down axe<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>Baldrick picks up a pumpkin, and smiles.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\nA pumpkin is going to save the King&#8230;<\/p>\n<p><strong>BALDRICK<\/strong><br \/>\nAah!<br \/>\n<em>puts down pumpkin<\/em><br \/>\nBut, over here, I have one that I prepared earlier.<br \/>\n<em>picks up another pumpkin &#8212; one with eyes, nose, moustache and beard painted on, and with a wig placed on top<\/em><br \/>\nI will balance it on the King&#8217;s head, like this.<br \/>\n<em>demonstrates<\/em><br \/>\nThen, I will cover his real head with a cloak, and then, when I execute him, instead of cutting off his real head, I will cut off the pumpkin, and the King survives!<\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\nI&#8217;m not sure it&#8217;s going to work, Balders.<\/p>\n<p><strong>BALDRICK<\/strong><br \/>\nWhy not?<\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\nBecause, once you cut it off, you have to hold it up in front of the crowd and say, &#8220;This is the head of a traitor,&#8221; at which point, they will shout back, &#8220;No it&#8217;s not; it&#8217;s large pumpkin with a pathetic moustache drawn on it.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p><strong>BALDRICK<\/strong><br \/>\nI suppose it&#8217;s not one hundred percent convincing.<\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\nIt&#8217;s not <strong>one<\/strong> percent convincing, Baldrick.\u00a0 However, I&#8217;m a busy man, and I can&#8217;t be bothered to punch you at the moment.<br \/>\n<em>he holds up his arm with his hand clenched<\/em><br \/>\nHere is my fist.\u00a0 Kindly run towards it as fast as you can.<\/p>\n<p><strong>BALDRICK<\/strong><br \/>\nYes, sir.<br \/>\n<em>He does so.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\nI just don&#8217;t understand it!\u00a0 What possessed you to take the job?<\/p>\n<p><strong>BALDRICK<\/strong><br \/>\nOh, I&#8217;m sorry, sir &#8212; it was just a wild, silly, foolish plan.\u00a0 I thought, with the money I got from executing the King, I could sneak out and buy a brand-new king when no-one was looking, and pop him back on the throne without anyone noticing.<\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\nYour head is as empty as a eunuch&#8217;s underpants.\u00a0 You&#8217;d do anything for thirty pieces of silver, wouldn&#8217;t you&#8230;<\/p>\n<p><strong>BALDRICK<\/strong><br \/>\nIt was a thousand pounds, actually, sir &#8212; plus tip!<br \/>\n<em>holds up bag of money<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>pause<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\n<em>takes bag<\/em><br \/>\nWell, I suppose somebody&#8217;s got to do it, hadn&#8217;t they!\u00a0 And if it&#8217;s going to be done, it&#8217;s got to be done in a single stroke by someone who actually owns an axe.\u00a0 We don&#8217;t want you hacking away at it all afternoon with that cheap pen-knife of yours.\u00a0 It would be so embarrassing to have King Charles staggering around Hampton Court tomorrow morning with his neck flapping like a fish&#8217;s gills.<\/p>\n<p><strong>BALDRICK<\/strong><br \/>\nSir, you don&#8217;t mean&#8230;?<\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\nYep &#8212; <strong>I&#8217;m<\/strong> doing it.\u00a0 Lend me your costume, then go immediately to the King and inform him that Sir Edmund Blackadder cannot be with him tomorrow.<br \/>\n<em>points at Baldrick<\/em><br \/>\nAnd make sure you think up a bloody good excuse.<\/p>\n<p><em>The Tower of London<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>BALDRICK<\/strong><br \/>\n&#8230;so that&#8217;s why he can&#8217;t be here.\u00a0 Sorry.<br \/>\n<em>exits<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>KING<\/strong><br \/>\nI see.\u00a0 Well, I quite understand, yes&#8230;<\/p>\n<p><em>Cromwell and the executioner (Edmund, hooded) enter.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>CROMWELL<\/strong><br \/>\nSir, the moment has arrived!\u00a0 Are you ready to meet your maker?<\/p>\n<p><strong>KING<\/strong><br \/>\nWell, I&#8217;m always absolutely fascinated to meet people from all walks of life, but, er, yes, particularly manufacturing industries.<\/p>\n<p><strong>CROMWELL<\/strong><br \/>\nWell then, have a quick walk and talk with your executioner, and let&#8217;s get on with it.<br \/>\n<em>exits<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>KING<\/strong><br \/>\nRight.<br \/>\n<em>He buzzes a bit, then slaps his hands together as though squashing a fly.\u00a0 Meanwhile, Edmund has closed the door behind Cromwell.<\/em><br \/>\nWell, I&#8217;m sorry, my friend, I&#8217;m alone here today &#8212; I had hoped that my good, loyal chum, Sir Edmund Blackadder, would be here with me, but, unfortunately, his wife&#8217;s sister&#8217;s puppy fell into the strawberry patch, so, naturally, he can&#8217;t be with us.<\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\n<em>disguising his voice<\/em><br \/>\nUh huh&#8230;<\/p>\n<p><strong>KING<\/strong><br \/>\nAll I can do is bid you do your duty well.<\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\nWell, thank you, Your Majesty.\u00a0 And may I say how much I mourn for your lot, and bid you remember others before you who have died unjustly.<\/p>\n<p><strong>KING<\/strong><br \/>\nThank you.\u00a0 I take great solace from that.<\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\nSir Thomas More, for instance: A great, generous man to the last. He apparently tipped his executioner handsomely&#8230;<br \/>\n<em>turns up a palm<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>KING<\/strong><br \/>\nOh, I&#8217;m so sorry; I thought service was included.\u00a0 I beg your pardon.<br \/>\n<em>reaches in a bag of money<\/em><br \/>\nUm, here you are.<br \/>\n<em>places a coin in Edmund&#8217;s palm<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\n<em>looks at coin<\/em><br \/>\nHmm.\u00a0 And then there was the Earle of Essex&#8230;<\/p>\n<p><strong>KING<\/strong><br \/>\nWas there&#8230;<\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\nA truly great man &#8212; they still sing his famous ballad down the Chepstow Arms.<\/p>\n<p><strong>KING<\/strong><br \/>\nWhat ballad is that?<\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\n<em>sings<\/em><br \/>\n&#8220;The Earle he had a thousand sovereigns, hey nonny no!<br \/>\nHe gave them all away to the man with the axe &#8230; oh!&#8221;<\/p>\n<p><strong>KING<\/strong><br \/>\n<em>looking at his bag<\/em><br \/>\nA thousand sovereigns?<\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\nWell, you can&#8217;t take it with you, Your Majesty&#8230;<\/p>\n<p><strong>KING<\/strong><br \/>\nVery true.\u00a0 Well, there you are.<br \/>\n<em>gives bag to Edmund<\/em><br \/>\nDo keep the change.<\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\nThank you, Your Majesty.<br \/>\n<em>puts coin back into bag, then his fake voice slips a little as he speaks<\/em><br \/>\nRight; should we go?<\/p>\n<p><strong>KING<\/strong><br \/>\nJust a moment!<br \/>\n<em>grabs Edmund&#8217;s arm<\/em><br \/>\nThat voice has a strangely familiar ring &#8230; and so does that finger!<br \/>\n<em>he removes the hood<\/em><br \/>\nBlackadder!<\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\n<em>acts surprised<\/em><br \/>\nHello, Your Majesty!<\/p>\n<p><strong>KING<\/strong><br \/>\nYou cunning swine!<\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\nEr, yes, well, er, er, er&#8230;<\/p>\n<p><strong>KING<\/strong><br \/>\nMarvelous! Splendid!\u00a0 You duped Cromwell and you&#8217;ve concocted a cunning plan to help me and my infant son escape to France!<\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\n<em>as though he&#8217;d forgotten<\/em><br \/>\nAh yes! That&#8217;s right, yes&#8230;<\/p>\n<p><strong>KING<\/strong><br \/>\nSo, let&#8217;s put your cunning plan into operation straight away!<\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\nYes, let&#8217;s&#8230;\u00a0 Er&#8230;\u00a0 Well&#8230;\u00a0 You start the ball rolling.<\/p>\n<p><strong>KING<\/strong><br \/>\nNo, no &#8212; after you.<\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\nEr, yeah, right, yes&#8230;<br \/>\n<em>thinks; remembers something<\/em><br \/>\nEr, oh yes! Yes, right! and it&#8217;s a very good plan!\u00a0 It&#8217;s a staggering, bowel-shatteringly good plan!<\/p>\n<p><em><strong>Ten Minutes Later<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>Edmund is hooded.\u00a0 Baldrick stands next to him.\u00a0 Cromwell enters.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>CROMWELL<\/strong><br \/>\nIs the King ready?<\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\n<em>fake voice again<\/em><br \/>\nHe is.<br \/>\n<em>calls to the back of the room<\/em><br \/>\nCome, Your Majesty!<\/p>\n<p><em>King walks forward.\u00a0 He has a hood over his head, and is balancing a pumpkin with a face drawn on it.\u00a0 Cromwell, King and Edmund exit.\u00a0 Baldrick listens to the goings on &#8230;<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>There is a drum roll.\u00a0 It ends with the sound of a chop.\u00a0 The crowd cheers.\u00a0 Baldrick smiles.\u00a0 The crowd suddenly sounds disappointed.\u00a0 Baldrick suddenly stops smiling. Voices are heard from outside:<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND (vo)<\/strong><br \/>\nThis is the head of a traitor!<\/p>\n<p><strong>CROWD (vo)<\/strong><br \/>\nNo it&#8217;s not; it&#8217;s a huge pumpkin with a pathetic moustache drawn on it!<\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND (vo)<\/strong><br \/>\nOh yes &#8212; so it is!\u00a0 Sorry!\u00a0 I&#8217;ll try again.<\/p>\n<p><em>There is a drum roll. It ends with the sound of a chop. The crowd cheers.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>Blackadder Hall.\u00a0 Edmund is cradling a baby boy.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>BALDRICK<\/strong><br \/>\nWell, sir, they can&#8217;t say you didn&#8217;t try.\u00a0 Now the future of the British monarchy lies fast asleep in your arms, in the person of this infant prince.\u00a0 And, with the money you&#8217;ve earned, you and he can escape to France.<\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\n<em>wiping a hand on his shirt with disgust<\/em><br \/>\nWell, quite.<\/p>\n<p><strong>BALDRICK<\/strong><br \/>\nOn the other hand, you can stay here, and, as a known loyalist, the Roundheads will come and cut your head off.<\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\n<em>stands<\/em><br \/>\nExactly, Baldrick!<\/p>\n<p><em>There is a pounding on the door.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\nOh my god!<\/p>\n<p><em>A voice outside shouts:<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>ROUNDHEAD (vo)<\/strong><br \/>\nDo you want the house burned?<\/p>\n<p><strong>BALDRICK<\/strong><br \/>\nOh no! We&#8217;re surrounded!\u00a0 What&#8217;ll we do?<\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\nWell, at times like this, Baldrick, there is no choice for a man of honour.\u00a0 He must stand and fight, and die in defence of his&#8230;<br \/>\n<em>looks at baby<\/em><br \/>\n&#8230;future sovereign.<\/p>\n<p><em>More pounding on the door.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\nFortunately, I&#8217;m not a man of honour.<br \/>\n<em>tosses baby to Baldrick; pulls off his long black hair to reveal short blond hair; removes his moustache and beard<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>A Roundhead breaks in and enters.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>EDMUND<\/strong><br \/>\n<em>to Roundhead<\/em><br \/>\nThank God you&#8217;ve come!<br \/>\n<em>points at Baldrick<\/em><br \/>\nSeize the royalist scum!!!<\/p>\n<p><em>The Roundhead, sword drawn, approaches Baldrick, who looks hopeless, dangling the baby from its swaddling clothes.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>This sketch was performed as part of the BBC telethon Comic Relief. I have included the transcript on this site because it is not available in book form. The sketch appears on the Blackadder Back &amp; Forth DVD and the Blackadder Remastered DVD Collection that is sold in the UK and USA. You can purchase [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":39,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","template":"sidebar-page.php","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-248","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry","post"],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/P54TBn-40","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":252,"url":"https:\/\/www.blackadderhall.com\/?page_id=252","url_meta":{"origin":248,"position":0},"title":"The King&#8217;s Birthday","author":"admin","date":"12 October 2011","format":false,"excerpt":"This short sketch was performed at HRH Prince Charles' 50th Birthday Gala. It was televised on ITV (in the UK) on 14 November 1998. The Cast: Lord Blackadder - Rowan Atkinson King Charles II - Stephen Fry The Script: Written by - Ben Elton (His name appears in the end\u2026","rel":"","context":"Similar post","block_context":{"text":"Similar post","link":""},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":283,"url":"https:\/\/www.blackadderhall.com\/?page_id=283","url_meta":{"origin":248,"position":1},"title":"Blackadder Back &#038; Forth","author":"admin","date":"12 October 2011","format":false,"excerpt":"Blackadder Back and Forth (original title was Time for Blackadder) was commissioned for the Millennium Dome in London. It was a joint venture between Tiger Aspect, Sky Television, the New Millennium Experience Company and the BBC and was shown at the Skyscape extension to the Millennium Dome throughout 2000. Also,\u2026","rel":"","context":"Similar post","block_context":{"text":"Similar post","link":""},"img":{"alt_text":"Lord Blackadder","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.blackadderhall.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/10\/blackadder-256x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":258,"url":"https:\/\/www.blackadderhall.com\/?page_id=258","url_meta":{"origin":248,"position":2},"title":"The Shakespeare Sketch","author":"admin","date":"12 October 2011","format":false,"excerpt":"Please note that this is not officially a Blackadder special; this has been confirmed by the show's creators. But I like to keep it on here as the main character (not Shakey) is very Blackaddery in nature. This sketch was performed on stage for an AIDS benefit concert directed by\u2026","rel":"","context":"Similar post","block_context":{"text":"Similar post","link":""},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":804,"url":"https:\/\/www.blackadderhall.com\/?page_id=804","url_meta":{"origin":248,"position":3},"title":"Blackadder Rides Again","author":"admin","date":"23 October 2011","format":false,"excerpt":"To mark the 25th anniversary since the first transmission of Blackadder in 1983, the iconic cast of the much-loved sitcom appeared together in a documentary for the first time. Originally broadcast on Christmas day on BBC1 in 2008, the show included an exclusive in-depth interview with Edmund Blackadder himself, Rowan\u2026","rel":"","context":"Similar post","block_context":{"text":"Similar post","link":""},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":573,"url":"https:\/\/www.blackadderhall.com\/?page_id=573","url_meta":{"origin":248,"position":4},"title":"Tube Talk Gold","author":"admin","date":"14 October 2011","format":false,"excerpt":"Original source: Digitalspy.co.uk Whenever anyone feels compelled to compile a list of the all-time great UK sitcoms, the various iterations of\u00a0Blackadder\u00a0are more often than not justly placed near the top. The show boasted a unique format - each series was set in a different historical period, with different incarnations of\u2026","rel":"","context":"Similar post","block_context":{"text":"Similar post","link":""},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":362,"url":"https:\/\/www.blackadderhall.com\/?page_id=362","url_meta":{"origin":248,"position":5},"title":"Blackadder Song List","author":"admin","date":"13 October 2011","format":false,"excerpt":"The Black Adder (episodes 1-5) The sound of hoof beats 'cross the glade, Good folk, lock up your son and daughter, Beware the deadly flashing blade, Unless you want to end up shorter. Black Adder, Black Adder, he rides a pitch black steed. Black Adder, Black Adder, he's very bad\u2026","rel":"","context":"Similar post","block_context":{"text":"Similar post","link":""},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.blackadderhall.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/248","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.blackadderhall.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.blackadderhall.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.blackadderhall.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.blackadderhall.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=248"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.blackadderhall.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/248\/revisions"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.blackadderhall.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/39"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.blackadderhall.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=248"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}