Panda and Edmund: Sequel to Drekel’s Reign of Terror
Sequel to Drekel’s Reign of Terror – a work of fan fiction dedicated to The Black Adder
by Jean Akins February 27 2002
(Note to reader: You will have a much better understanding of all this if you’ve viewed all the The Black Adder first season episodes starring Rowan Atkinson as Prince Edmund.)
The story picks up from where Drekel’s Reign of Terror ends.
Recap: Little Rowena saved both Edmund and Drekel by wishing Drekel out of the videotape, causing the souls and bodies of Edmund and Drekel to merge into one.
It has been quite a shock for Edmund and Drekel to get used to sharing their souls and bodies as one being. After a few days they accept their fate, the alternative being that Edmund would have died because the videotape was burned in the fireplace, and Edmund being a product of that videotape would have faded into nothingness. And Drekel would have perished in the fictional videotape world where he was trapped if little Rowena had not wished him back out, for hell had broken loose in that world.
The merging of their souls allow them to fully know and understand each other and what the other experienced.
It is a year after they have merged souls and bodies. Edmund and Drekel are having a private conversation audible only to each other.
Drekel: I envy you, Edmund, really I do.
Edmund: Really? Why? I envy you for your strength, your courage, your swordsmanship, and your fighting skills. You have the potential for ruling the world, something I’ve always dreamed of doing back when I was still living in the castle. How could you possibly envy me?
Drekel: Well, just think. As a Wishling, Panda could have wished anyone out of any videotape in the world to be with her. She could have chosen Prince Harry or Lord Flashheart or Robin Hood or some other dashing bloke. She could have even chosen one of your descendants. But she chose you. And that’s why I envy you. She must truly love you, Edmund.
Edmund: Yes, but I can’t say I understand why. I count my lucky stars that she does. What did I ever do to deserve such happiness? Looking back at my life in the kingdom, I don’t see how her heart could have moved her to save me and let me live here with her. She knows all about me, ever flaw in my personality, ever bumbling mistake I’ve made, yet she doesn’t seem to care about any of those things. Not a day passes that she doesn’t tell me how much she loves me and makes me feel special and wanted. She’s amazing.
Drekel: Yes, she is.
They are both quiet as they reflect on life with Panda.
Edmund: So you actually killed my father and brother?
Drekel: Uh, yes. It was the only way I could take the throne. Are you okay with that?
Edmund: Sure. After all, years ago I was counting on Harry being appointed Archbishop instead of me so that his life would have been cut short. And I was also counting on Father being killed doing battle against the Turks armed with only a piece of cutlery, but he somehow defeated them. But Mother didn’t deserve her fate. She was always good to me.
Drekel: Well, technically Morgan le Fay is the one who did in the Queen. But even if she hadn’t, I’m afraid I would have had to do the foul deed. Sorry, Edmund.
Edmund: Hmm. And I still can’t get over what you did to that woman who pushed me off the ramparts. Did it take much for you to convince Percy and Baldrick to go through with it?
Drekel: Are you kidding? They couldn’t believe their luck. The only thing they argued about was who got to go first. I merely told them I hired a prostitute who likes it very rough and enjoys getting a hard slap on the bottom afterward, and that they were welcome to enjoy her services that night in my bed chambers.
Edmund: You are wicked.
Drekel: And you yourself have the potential for real wickedness. You once said to Percy and Baldrick, “The Black Adder is a venomous reptile and women are his prey.” Well, Edmund, you’re looking at someone who has had centuries of experience preying on women and brutalizing them. But that’s all changed. I’ve turned over a new leaf. No more evil deeds by me. No, not ever again. Panda is all the incentive I need to change my evil ways.
Edmund: Really? You’re sure you won’t miss it? You’ve spent centuries being evil. Can you really completely change overnight and stay that way?
Drekel: I guess only time will tell, won’t it, Edmund?
The scene takes place the following week in Wishling Headquarters. Paul, the High Commander of the Wishlings is in a meeting with Patrick, Karl, Kyle, Panda and a dozen other Wishlings.
Paul: So now we have to decide what to do about this last surviving demon we found yesterday.
Patrick: Yes. He hasn’t caused us any trouble since we captured him. In fact, he’s been a model prisoner. Seems to be happy as long as we keep him supplied with pizza and Girl Scout cookies.
Kyle: His name is Boogra. Doesn’t seem to be the rocket scientist sort of demon. More of the underling type. You know, one you’d see shoveling dung for a living.
Paul: That could be a ruse. We can’t be too careful. And no one knows the whereabouts of their leader Drekel?
Karl: That’s an unsolved mystery. He’s vanished. No trail. And we still don’t have a physical description of Drekel. He could be walking around amongst us and we wouldn’t even know it.
There is a knock at the door of their conference room. The door opens. Drekel/Edmund pokes in his head.
Drekel/Edmund: Terribly sorry to disturb your meeting. Panda, Rowena needs to use the restroom. Where is it?
Panda: Down the hall. Third door on the right.
Drekel/Edmund: Thank you. I would have asked the receptionist, but she’s away from her desk at the moment.
Drekel/Edmund closes the door.
Panda: I apologize for that interruption. I had brought Edmund and Rowena along with me because we’re planning to go visit the zoo right after the meeting.
Paul: Yes. Well, moving along now. We will interrogate our prisoner. Find out what we can. He might know something about Drekel’s whereabouts. But first let’s finish discussing the other items on our agenda. Then we’ll visit our demon “guest”.
Drekel/Edmund finishes taking Rowena to use the restroom. He senses another demon’s presence in the building somewhere locked in a holding cell one floor below. Judy the Wishling receptionist who was away from her desk returns.
Drekel/Edmund: Judy, could I trouble you to please keep an eye on my daughter for just a moment while I go use the facilities?
Judy [smiling]: It’s no trouble. I’d be happy to keep her company.
Drekel/Edmund: Rowena, dearest, please stay here with Judy. I’ll be right back. Be a good girl.
Rowena: Yes, Daddy.
Drekel/Edmund walks down the hall and ducks into the stairwell. He goes down one flight and sees a demon-proof glass holding cell. There are no Wishling guards in sight. No need for any guards, as there is no way a demon could escape from the holding cell. Boogra is sitting on his cot inside the cell.
Drekel/Edmund: Boogra. Congratulations. You’re the last surviving demon the Wishlings have captured.
Boogra: M’lord! Where have you been? We’ve been looking for you! We lost the war against the Wishlings without you there to lead us.
Drekel/Edmund: Yes, yes. I know. Now listen carefully, Boogra. Everything’s changed. We have to accept that we lost the war. And on a personal note, my priorities have changed. I’m no longer interested in taking over the world. I’ve met someone, and I’m very happy, so it’s very important that you tell no one who I am. From now on my name is Edmund. NOT Drekel. Understand? This is very important. Do not let on that I was the Supreme Ruler of the Evil Ones.
Boogra: Yes, m’lord. I understand.
He breaths a sigh of relief. Drekel/Edmund does not want anything to happen to disrupt his new life with Panda and their daughter.
Drekel/Edmund ponders on the uncanny physical resemblance between Boogra and that Baldrick fellow in the fictional videotape world where he was temporarily trapped. That was what helped Drekel decide to rekindle “their” friendship, the one Edmund had ended back when he spurned his friends to go in search of some evil men to help him take over the kingdom. However, from what Drekel had observed during his short time in the videotape world, Baldrick was definitely smarter than the not-too-bright Boogra.
That same day an hour later in the interrogation room of Wishling Headquarters: Paul, Patrick, Kyle and Panda are seated at a long table. Boogra is seated in a chair and shackled with demon-proof chains.
Paul: Boogra, where is your leader? The one who calls himself the Supreme Ruler of the Evil Ones?
Boogra: I don’t know. And even if I did know, I wouldn’t say. Nothing you can do to me can make me betray him. You can torture me, but you will not succeed!
Kyle [getting up from his chair]: Well, I guess that’s that. We may as well call it a day. Oh, by the way, Boogra. I’m afraid we’re out of pizza and Girl Scout cookies. You’re going have to settle for tofu and rice for your meals from now on.
Boogra: What?! No!! I want my pizzas! I want my Girl Scout cookies!
Kyle: Sorry. No can do. There aren’t anymore to give you.
Patrick: Well, Kyle, that’s not completely true — OW! Why’d you kick me?
Kyle: Keep your trap shut about my secret stash!
Boogra: Hey! You do have some! Give me pizzas! I want pizzas and Girl Scout cookies!
Paul: Well, Boogra, I think I might be able to persuade Kyle to part with some of his secret stash, if you’d be willing to part with some information we want. Where is Drekel?
Boogra: You mean Edmund? Today he told me from now on his name is not Drekel. So I can honestly say I don’t know where Drekel is because there IS no more Drekel, only Edmund. Now where’s my pizza? Where are my Girl Scout cookies?
The interrogration team stares at Boogra. Paul jumps up and rushes out the door.
Paul: Security! Secure all exits! Don’t let anyone out!
Ten minutes later Drekel/Edmund is shackled in demon-proof chains and dragged by a team of four Wishling security guards. They place him in a demon-proof glass holding cell next to Boogra’s cell.
Panda and Rowena are upset.
Panda: Paul, this is crazy! Edmund isn’t a demon!
Rowena [crying]: Daddy!
Paul: Panda, please take the child outside. We’ll sort this out. If he’s truly not a demon, then he’ll be free to go. But if he is a demon, then we’ve made quite an impressive capture here: The Supreme Ruler of the Evil Ones.
The security guards escort Panda and Rowena outside. Drekel/Edmund watches them as they leave, a pained look on his face.
Paul: Karl, run the tests on our new prisoner. I’m sure I don’t need to say which tests, do I? [He leaves the room.]
Karl: Uh, no, sir. I know which ones you mean. [He looks at Drekel/Edmund and whispers to him.] You poor bastard. I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes. [Karl leaves the room to get his testing equipment.]
Edmund and Drekel have another private conversation that no one else can hear.
Edmund: Now what? How do we get out of this? It sounds like those tests are going to hurt!
Drekel: Possibly. Although as a demon, I have a very high threshold for pain. But maybe that’s what they’ll be testing for.
Edmund: What if we just tell them the truth? That you’ve seen the light and have turned over a new leaf and you’ll never commit another evil act again because you love Panda?
Drekel: Is that your idea of a cunning plan? I don’t think that’s going to fly. If they find out who I am, they’ll most likely execute me or hold me prisoner forever.
Edmund: We’re doomed, aren’t we?
Drekel: Looks like it.
They hear footsteps approaching.
Edmund: Oh, no. It sounds like Karl is returning with his testing equipment.
Suddenly a flash of light appears in Drekel/Edmund’s holding cell. It lasts for several seconds, then stops. The cell is now empty. Karl returns with his testing equipment which consists of a tray of sharp dangerous-looking metal instruments. He is shocked to see the holding cell empty. He looks over at Boogra’s cell. Boogra shrugs his shoulders.
Boogra: Don’t ask me. I don’t know.
We flashback to the scene where Morgan le Fay tosses the videotape into the fireplace of Panda’s home. Unknown to Morgan, Merlin is observing all of this from his workshop and is speedily using his sorcery to save the few remaining inhabitants of that fictional videotape world by sending them into a new home: a fictional DVD world where they can begin their new life.
When little Rowena makes her wish to send Morgan le Fay out of her parents’ home, the combination of her Wishling and demon powers inadvertently sends Morgan along the same path as the inhabitants who are being sent into the fictional DVD world. Morgan le Fay is sucked into their new world where she becomes trapped.
Morgan le Fay spends the first few days getting used to her new surroundings. She meets the other inhabitants which include Percy, Baldrick, the knights of the castle, various lords and ladies, and some peasants. There is one lady she meets who intrigues her greatly. After having a very long conversation with her, Morgan smiles wickedly as she thinks she has found a way to pay back Drekel for spurning her earlier.
Morgan uses her sorcery to summon Drekel who happens to be at that very moment shackled by demon-proof chains and held in a prison cell at Wishling Headquarters. He vanishes from the cell just before Karl returns with a tray of sharp dangerous-looking metal instruments that are to be used on Drekel/Edmund to determine whether or not he is a demon.
Drekel materializes in the fictional DVD world created by Merlin. He is still shackled by the demon-proof chains. He looks around and finds himself in a medieval courtyard of a castle. A dozen armed knights surround him, lances drawn and pointed at him. Then he notices Morgan le Fay.
Morgan: Welcome, King Edmund. So good of you to supply your own shackles. But just to make sure you don’t break free, I’ll add a little something extra. [She casts a binding spell on Drekel/Edmund, so that even if he should break free from the chains, his demon strength is temporarily weakened.] There. That should hold you.
Drekel/Edmund: Morgan! Where are we? How did I get here?
Morgan: All will be explained later. For now, all you need to know is that one of our ladies of the court is charging you with a very serious crime. You will be tried and if found guilty, you will be sentenced to an appropriate punishment.
Drekel/Edmund: What crime? Which lady of the court is making this charge against me?
Morgan turns around and motions for someone to step forward from behind a doorway.
The Woman from the Ramparts steps forward. She points at Drekel/Edmund.
Woman from the Ramparts: He’s the one! Morgan, he brutally ravaged me in his bed chambers one night! I suffered excruciating pain!
Morgan: You will have your chance to testify during the trial, dear lady. Now go sit down over there. The trial can begin in just a few minutes, now that the defendant is here. I will be prosecuting the case.
Drekel/Edmund: You? Are you a lawyer in addition to being a sorceress?
Morgan: In this new world of ours, I don’t need to be. We have our own set of laws here. I can represent the lady.
Drekel/Edmund: And don’t I get legal representation?
Percy: Right here, my lord. I’ll be representing you in this case.
Baldrick: And so will I, my lord, as Co-Counsel.
Drekel/Edmund [muttering to himself]: This has to be some terrible nightmare. I’ll wake up and find myself home in bed with my beloved Panda. Or maybe I’ll wake up and find myself back in that holding cell about to be tested by that Karl to see if I’m really a demon. Oh, gawd!
A Knight: All rise for the Honorable Mad Gerald!
Everyone stands up. It is the very same Mad Gerald who shared Prince Edmund’s dungeon cell back in the episode titled The Black Seal. Mad Gerald is wearing a long black robe and is looking very serious and dignified, except for the wild head of hair. He speaks the same way he did back when Edmund met him, and he still has the same maniacal laugh.
Mad Gerald: Order in the court! You may all be seated! That means you, too, Mr. Rat! And you, too, Mr. Mouse. And you, too, Mr. Key, as if I’d ever leave you out! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
Drekel/Edmund: You’ve GOT to be kidding.
Morgan: HE’s the judge? Wait a minute! How can this madman be the judge in such an important serious case?
Mad Gerald [stops laughing and looks sternly at Morgan]: Silence, woman! You dare question my qualifications to preside over this case? Sit down and be quiet until I tell you to speak!
Morgan meekly obeys. Everyone is quiet and looks at the judge.
Mad Gerald: Since this is the very first case ever here in our new world, we’re going to do things my way, since I’m in charge here. First thing: Get rid of the lawyers. We’re not going to need them here. So if there are any lawyers here in this court, either leave or stay and keep silent during the trial. Understand?
Morgan and everyone else in the court are astonished. They look at each other, wondering if they heard correctly.
Woman from the Ramparts: Excuse me, your honor? May I ask a question?
Mad Gerald: Make it quick. We have a trial, you know!
Woman from the Ramparts: Why will there be no lawyers in this trial? Aren’t they necessary in a legal setting?
Mad Gerald: NO! Not in MY book they’re not! Ask me why. Go ahead, dear lady. Ask me!
Woman from the Ramparts: Uh, why, your honor?
Mad Gerald: Because they get in the way of finding the truth, that’s why! One side tells one story, the other side tells the other story, and each side insists they are being truthful, but the stories contradict each other. Someone’s lying and no one is admitting who! So as long as I’m the judge here, there will be NO lawyers in my court! Understand? If you are a lawyer and you dare speak while in my court, I’ll have your tongue cut out! Now let’s get on with this trial!
Drekel/Edmund: Your honor, how do we determine the truth here?
Mad Gerald: Wait a minute. I remember you! Didn’t you share my dungeon cell with me years ago?
Drekel/Edmund: Uh, yes. We did indeed share quarters for some time.
Mad Gerald [grinning]: Well, good to see you! Edmund, is it? How’ve you been?
Drekel/Edmund: Oh, just fine, considering my current situation of being shackled and being put on trial on some trumped up charge.
Mad Gerald: We’ll have to catch up on what’s been going on in our lives, after the trial. How’s that?
Drekel/Edmund: Fine by me. Looking forward to it.
Mad Gerald: Listen up, everyone! Pay attention now. [addresses the plaintiff] Now, young lady. According to your statement earlier, you are accusing King Edmund of brutally ravaging you in his royal bed chambers one night.
Woman from the Ramparts: Yes, your honor. It was the most painful, excruciating and humiliating experience of my life. I still have nightmares from it.
Mad Gerald: What say you, Edmund?
Drekel/Edmund: Your honor, I can honestly say that I’ve never touched this woman. I’ve never bedded her, never brutally ravaged her, ever.
Mad Gerald: Fine. Now, here’s how we determine what really happened. Come forward, Spirit of Christmas!
The people in the court are taken by surprise. A thick fog appears and a tall huge male bearded figure comes out of it. It is the Spirit of Christmas from the Blackadder Christmas Carol.
Mad Gerald: We need one of your visions to show us what really happened that night in the king’s bed chambers.
Spirit of Christmas: Right-o. Here you are. [He waves his hand and creates a vision that everyone can see.]
Since Drekel had been sitting out in the hall at the time Percy and Baldrick were taking turns ravaging the Woman from the Ramparts, he is curious to see for himself what actually happened in his bed chambers that night.
Mad Gerald: Spirit, it’s too dark for us to see. Can you brighten it some?
Spirit of Christmas: Sure thing. Here you go.
Now everyone can see what took place in the pitch dark room. They see the Woman from the Ramparts sneak into the king’s bed chambers, find her way to the bed, and climb in. They see her lie on the bed with her arms outstretched and hear her say that she gives herself to him unconditionally to prove how sincere she is in her apology. Then they see Percy get on the bed, jump on her, tear off her clothes, toss them aside, and roughly take her. After he is done, they see him turn her over onto her stomach, give her a hard slap on her rump and leave without saying a word. They see her puzzled look as she turns over. Baldrick enters the room. Before she can say anything, they see him jump on her. They hear his excited grunts as he takes her again and again. They hear her whimpering and crying. After it is over, they see him turn her over onto her stomach and give her a very hard slap on her rump, then leave. They see her lying there on the bed, sobbing.
The vision shows them what happens in the hall where Edmund is whistling the Blackadder theme while casually lounging in a chair and carving an apple. They hear the conversation between him Percy and Baldrick.
Then they see how Edmund orders her out of his bed chambers.
The vision ends.
Mad Gerald: Well, I think that clears up any misconceptions about what really happened, doesn’t it? Thank you, Spirit of Christmas. You may go now.
Mad Gerald looks around the court. The Woman from the Ramparts is looking very embarrassed because everyone has seen what happened. Most of the people can’t take their eyes off the place where the vision was.
Crowd: It’s over? That’s it? Can you show it again? And can you zoom in on some of it so we can see it up close?
A Knight [speaking to the Woman from the Ramparts]: My brother is getting married next week. Can you tell me how much you’d charge to work at his stag party? He could really use one more rumpy-pumpy before settling down to married life.
Woman from the Ramparts [very upset]: I am NOT a prostitute! How dare you?!
Mad Gerald: The vision clearly shows that the plaintiff never said or did anything to indicate she wanted these men to stop. She never said ‘no’ or ‘stop’. And we see that she was never forced into that bed. She entered it willingly. We also see that King Edmund never touched her. I see no reason to hold Edmund here any longer. Your Majesty, you are free to go, with the apologies of the court for taking up your time and for any inconvenience you suffered.
Drekel/Edmund: Thank you, your honor.
Mad Gerald: Morgan, remove the binding spell you put on him. And remove those shackles, too, while you’re at it. That’s an order.
Morgan: Yes, your honor.
Morgan, under protest, follows the judge’s order.
Mad Gerald and Drekel/Edmund go to a nearby tavern to have a couple of beers and catch up on old times.
Meanwhile, back at the conference room at Wishling Headquarters we see Paul, Panda, Patrick, Karl and Kyle.
Panda: What do you mean Edmund’s gone? Gone where? What have you done to him?
Karl: I didn’t do anything to him. Didn’t get a chance. I returned with my tray of tools to run some tests on him, but the holding cell was empty. No sign of a break-in. And I was only gone for a few minutes.
Paul: I know you have nothing to do with his disappearance, Panda. But don’t misunderstand me. That doesn’t mean you are above suspicion. No one here is. I checked our sensor logs. If anyone here used their Wishling magic to transport Edmund out of that holding cell, it would have been picked up and recorded, and I would know about it. So it must have been some outside source that got him out of that cell.
Panda [staring icily at Paul]: I’m going to take my daughter home now, if you don’t mind.
Paul: Fine with me.
Panda leaves the conference room. Rowena is seated on a chair next to the receptionist’s desk.
Panda: Come, Rowena. We’re going home now. Good day, Judy.
Judy: Good day, Panda. Bye-bye, Rowena.
Rowena: Good-bye, Judy.
Panda takes Rowena by the hand and uses her Wishling magic to transport them back home.
The next scene takes place in Panda’s home. Rowena is sitting in front of the television watching a videotape of the movie Mr. Bean. In the next room Panda is doing her best to look brave and calm in front of her daughter so as not to upset Rowena about Edmund’s disappearance, but she is in emotional turmoil inside not knowing where her beloved Edmund is. Without that knowledge she is unable to lock in on him with her magic and wish him back home.
Panda [thinking aloud to herself]: Even if I could wish him back home, he wouldn’t be safe here. Paul would come with his guards and take Edmund back to that holding cell and do all sorts of terrible things to him.
Patrick magically appears before Panda.
Panda: Hello, Patrick. What brings you here?
Patrick: Hello, Panda. Just wanted to say how sorry I am about what’s happened. Edmund’s a good chap. I wouldn’t want any harm to come to him. And if Paul ever does succeed in capturing him, I shudder to think of what he’ll do to him. Do you know what happened to Frobis the demon after he was captured and brought in?
Panda: No, I don’t. I assume they locked him up and questioned him later. What happened?
Patrick: Paul had him dissected. Alive. Frobis was screaming as the research scientists cut him open and removed his vital organs one by one. He died on the operating table, a horrible death. I’ve always suspected Paul of having a sadistic streak in him. He defended his actions, of course. Said he needed to know if a demon could survive such an operation. And of course Frobis couldn’t.
Panda: Oh, my gawd!
Patrick: I care about you and Edmund, so I’ll do whatever I can to help.
Panda: Thank you, Patrick. You’re a true friend.
Patrick smiles and leaves.
The next day Patrick appears again in Panda’s home.
Patrick: Panda! I can take you to Edmund now!
Panda: What?! How? Where is he?
Patrick: Not a moment to lose. I’ll explain on the way. Leave Rowena here. Kyle will be here to take care of her.
There is a knock at the door. Patrick opens it. Kyle is there with several children’s board games and assorted kiddie videotapes.
Kyle: Hello, all! Rowena, it’s your Uncle Kyle!
Rowena and Kyle settle down to play boardgames and watch videotapes. Panda kisses Rowena good-bye and gives her a hug.
Patrick: They’ll be fine. Don’t worry, Panda. Hold my hand and I’ll take you to Edmund in two seconds.
Panda: Patrick, if you’re telling me the truth, I’ll be forever in your debt.
Patrick smiles, takes Panda by the hand and they both vanish.
Two seconds later they materialize inside the fictional DVD world created by Merlin. They are inside a large room in a castle. A dark hooded figure emerges from the shadows of a corner in the room.
Panda: Edmund? Is that you?
Hooded Figure: Sorry to disappoint you, Panda. No. It is only I, Morgan le Fay.
Panda stares as the dark figure removes her hood. It is indeed the evil sorceress. Panda has never met her before, but has heard of her reputation.
Patrick: Morgan, I’ve kept my end of the bargain. Now keep yours.
Morgan: But of course, dear Patrick. [Morgan waves her hands toward Panda and casts a powerful spell.] There. It is done. The female Wishling is stripped of her powers. You can take her now and do with her as you will. I even took the liberty of turning down the bed for you both so that you may consummate your new relationship with each other. [Morgan points toward a corner in the room where there is an bed that has chains and shackles on two of the bedposts.]
Panda stares at Patrick and is shocked at his betrayal.
Patrick: Don’t look so surprised, Panda. [He grabs her, carries her to the bed, throws her down, and quickly fastens her wrists to the bedposts with the chains and shackles.] I’ve been more than patient with you over the past few years. Do you know how frustrating it’s been for me waiting for you to come to your senses? How could you throw away your life on that Edmund when you could have me instead? What on earth do you see in that pathetic slimy little sod? Why, his ridiculous haircut alone would make any other sensible woman laugh and tell him to go sod off, but no, not you! You actually find him attractive, but I could never understand why! Well, that’s all going to change now, hear me? From now on you belong to me! You’re going to forget all about Edmund and you’re going to give yourself to me willingly. If not, then prepare yourself to be taken by force. The choice is yours, Panda. What say you?
Panda stares at Patrick in amazement. Then she smiles softly at him.
Panda [gazing into his eyes]: Oh, Patrick. I had no idea you wanted me. I never dared hope that you, being so very handsome and so very strong, could ever be even remotely interested in me. I’ve noticed how so many other women fawn over you, how you could have your pick of any of them. What chance did I ever have of winning your affections?
Patrick [grinning happily]: Oh, Panda. You mean I could have had you all this time? Dearest Panda, let me pleasure you right now. I’ve fantasised for so long of ravaging you!
Panda: This is all so strangely familiar, as if I’ve lived through this before, being tied down to a bed and seeing you looming over me, about to take me and give me the greatest, most amazing sexual experience I’ve ever had. Oh, Patrick, tell me this isn’t some dream that I’ll suddenly awaken from! Please tell me!
Patrick [very excitedly]: It’s not a dream, my darling! Here, let me unfasten these chains, so that we can freely enjoy each other. [He removes the shackles from her wrists.]
Panda: Thank you, Patrick. [She smiles at him. Then she kicks him in the groin and pushes him off of her.]
Patrick cries out in agonizing pain and falls off the bed, clutching his groin. Morgan le Fay rolls her eyes in disgust at what she has just witnessed. Panda runs toward the door.
Morgan [shouting at Panda]: Leave now and you’ll never see your precious Edmund alive again!
Panda stops. She turns to look at Morgan.
Panda: Where is Edmund? If you’ve harmed so much as one hair on his beautiful head, I’ll kill you.
Morgan: You’re a spunky little thing aren’t you?
She reaches over behind a screen and drags forth Drekel/Edmund. He is wrapped in the very same demon-proof chains that Mad Gerald had ordered her to remove earlier.
Panda: Edmund! My beloved!
Drekel/Edmund is too weak to say anything. He moans in pain.
Panda: Morgan, what have you done to him?
Morgan: I’ve merely stripped him of his strength with a very powerful spell. Strength that I believe he’s been hiding from you for the past year. Your precious Edmund is not exactly who you think he is. But let’s allow Patrick to explain some of this. Go ahead, Patrick. Tell Panda what your end of our bargain is. What did you do for me?
Patrick, still not fully recovered from Panda’s kick to his groin, manages to come over and grabs Panda. He pulls her arms behind her and restrains her.
Patrick: I’m afraid I haven’t been completely truthful with you, Panda. It wasn’t Paul who had the research scientists dissect Frobis alive. In fact, it wasn’t even the research scientists who dissected him. It was I.
Panda: What?! But why? That’s so horrid!
Patrick: True, but necessary. You see, Morgan required freshly harvested demon organs, and the organs had to be taken from Frobis while he was still alive, in order for Morgan’s spell to work. She needed those demon organs as ingredients for her very special spell. The spell to permanently strip Drekel here, or as you know him, Edmund, of his super powerful demon strength, his amazing fighting skills and fine swordsmanship.
Panda: Are you insane? What does Drekel have to do with any of this?
Patrick: He never told you, did he? You’ve spent the past year sharing your bed with two beings: Edmund and Drekel. Yes, Drekel, the Supreme Ruler of the Evil Ones. Drekel the demon. The two merged as one somehow by some powerful magic, but we don’t know whose magic.
Panda: You are insane.
Morgan: No, Panda. He’s telling you the truth. But why take our words for it? Let’s let Drekel/Edmund tell you himself.
Panda looks at Drekel/Edmund.
Drekel/Edmund [weakly]: Panda, I love you with all my heart and soul. Please don’t let what I’m about to tell you turn you away from me. You’re everything to me!
Panda: Drekel? And Edmund?
Drekel/Edmund: It’s true. I don’t even know myself how it happened. But Edmund and I almost died that night, and by some miracle we were both saved by being pulled together and merged into one, both our souls and bodies. The alternative would have been certain death for both of us.
Panda is shocked. She doesn’t know what to say.
Patrick: There. Now you know. Well, let’s not put this off any longer. Now the fun begins. [Being a Wishling, he has quickly recovered from that groin kick. He again carries Panda to the bed and quickly shackles her to the bedposts. He tears off all her clothing and ignores her screams.]
Drekel/Edmund [summoning what little strength he has left]: Let go of her! Don’t you touch her!
Morgan [laughing]: What are you going to do, Drekel? Save her? Oh, let’s let these two lovebirds have their privacy.
Morgan drags Drekel/Edmund toward the door. Panda is desperately trying to keep her legs locked together, but Patrick is determined to brutally have his way with her.
Patrick: No more tricks, Panda! You’re mine now, so just accept it! This could have been enjoyable for both of us, but now it looks like I’ll be the only one having fun. You’ll be in pain, but you have only yourself to blame. Now spread your legs! If you can spread them for Edmund, you can certainly spread them for me!
Panda: Go to hell, Patrick!
Patrick pushes his knee between her legs, forcing them apart.
Patrick: Fine. Have it your way.
Panda screams as he starts to push himself inside her. Suddenly there is a loud crash. One wall smashes apart and what happens next astonishes everyone in the room.
Two giant black adders quickly slither in through the huge opening of the shattered wall. One darts over to Patrick and bites him, injecting him with a giant dose of venom. The other poisonous adder darts after Morgan le Fay and bites her. A few minutes later both Patrick and Morgan fall dead. The adders eat their prey. Panda is too terrified to scream or say anything, as she is still shackled to the bed. Drekel/Edmund is down on the floor, too weak to get up.
The two black adders very gently nudge Drekel/Edmund, trying to help him up.
Drekel/Edmund: My faithful pets. You remember me! I thought you both had perished in that fire back in the other world.
Suddenly Merlin appears before them.
Merlin: Ah, here you are, Edmund. Thought you might want to be reunited with your pet snakes. They spent some time recovering from their wounds. Those were some nasty burns they suffered from the onslaught of fireballs. But they’ve made a complete recovery and were most eager to see you again.
Merlin: Panda. Oh, dear. Let me help you. [He waves his hands and her shackles disappear. She wraps a sheet around her body.]
Merlin: Oh, that won’t do. Allow me. [He waves his hands again and she is instantly wearing a lovely regal gown.] You’ll find your Wishling powers are restored.
Merlin: And now for you, Edmund. [He waves his hands toward Drekel/Edmund. The demon-proof shackles disappear.]
Merlin: How are you feeling now? Still weak?
Drekel/Edmund: Why, no. Actually, I’m feeling better. My strength seems to be returning.
Merlin: And it will. You will be at full capacity within the hour. That includes your demon strength, your fighting skills and your fine swordsmanship.
Drekel/Edmund: But how? Morgan’s spell had permanently stripped me of my powers.
Merlin: So she thought. She learned her magic from me. But I didn’t teach her everything. Like how to break a supposedly ‘permanent’ spell.
Panda comes over to Drekel/Edmund and hugs him.
Panda: I thought I’d lost you forever.
Drekel/Edmund: So I haven’t lost you?
Panda: Never. I love you. I’ve always loved you, and I always will love you.
Merlin: You’ll need to decide what you’ll do next. Stay here and live as King and Queen? I can easily fetch your daughter here to join you as Princess Rowena. I can even fetch your kitty Callie. You can truly live happily ever after here in this world. I’ll see to it that no harm comes to the DVD, unlike what happened to the videotape.
Drekel/Edmund: Panda, do you think you can give up the other world? Your friends? Everything there you know? Your home?
Panda [smiling]: My home is wherever you are, dearest Edmund.
Drekel/Edmund: Then I guess we can send for Rowena and Callie. Thank you, Merlin.
Panda: Yes, thank you, Merlin. How can we ever repay you?
Merlin: Be happy. Be good to each other. And be good to those you rule here in this world as the new King and Queen.
And they lived happily ever after.
THE END Based on characters created by Richard Curtis and Rowan Atkinson. Characters are used here without permission of their creators. This is strictly a personal work of fan fiction written for pleasure, not profit.
This page has no intention to infringe on the rights of the BBC, who are the intellectual property holders of ‘Black Adder’, & hold copyright over the episodes, characters, merchandise & storyline.
The characters of Panda the magical Wishling and Drekel the demon are the creations of Jean Akins.
Note from the Author:
You may be wondering why the main character is named Panda. I have a panda collection on my desk. As I was pondering on a name, I happened to glance over at my pandas and decided, why not?
I think next time I write a story I’ll use an outline first. You know, list the beginning, the middle and the end. I didn’t do that with any of these three stories. Just started writing in stages. I honestly had no idea how these stories would end. Fortunately, these managed to fall neatly into place so I could come to a satisfying conclusion for each story, yet leave the possibility for a sequel at the end of each one.
Thank you for reading my trilogy. I hope it helped to satisfy any craving you may have had for new Blackadder stories.
February 28, 2002