The Secret Life of the Ice Queen
A Work of Fan Fiction Dedicated to The Black Adder
Written and revised and formatted into this script form by Jean Akins on February 23, 2002
Our story begins in a corporate office setting somewhere in Oakland, California in the year 2002. We see two young women arguing: Lisa and Panda.
Panda: Sod off, Lisa.
Lisa: What?! How dare you! And what’s up with that? You’re not even British, yet lately you’ve been saying stuff like ‘sod off’ and ‘stupid git!
Panda: I’ve told you and the others only about a zillion times NOT to fix me up with anyone. And here today you go and do it again. That’s the fifth time this year, and the year’s only three months old! What did you expect? That I was just going to meekly take it and not create a scene at that restaurant?
Lisa: I can’t believe you were so horribly rude to Patrick. He must think you’re a total loon.
Panda: I don’t care what he thinks of me. And furthermore, I wasn’t rude. I was completely honest and upfront with him in a diplomatic way, which is more than I can say about the way you’ve been with me.
Lisa: Well, don’t expect me to help you anymore by trying to bring some happiness into your life!
Panda: Lisa, I know you mean well. But like I’ve told you before, I like my life the way it is: perfectly balanced. It has just the right amount of stress that I can handle. The one thing I DON’T need or want is some man coming into my life so he can mess things up.
Lisa: How do you know he’d mess things up? There are plenty of really great guys out there. And you’d find out if you’d only give some of them a chance.
Panda: Well, it’s been my observation over lo, these many years, that men are an inevitable source of aggravation and stress. Why on earth would I want to bring that into my life?
Lisa: Oh, you’re SO wise, SO superior, SO know-it-all! You think you have it all figured out! The entire male population is SO evil and bad, right? I feel sorry for you, Panda. You’re going to end up old and alone if you keep living your life with that attitude. Just you wait and see! The sad thing is that it’s such a waste! You’re a beautiful, young woman with so much to offer, yet you won’t give any guy a chance! I’ve seen how you shut them out. You know what the men in the office call you behind your back? The Ice Queen!
Panda [smiling]: Gee, you say that like it’s a BAD thing. Lisa, I just now realize why you and the other women in the office have been trying so hard to get me hooked up with a man.
Panda: Misery loves company. I’m single and free, and you and the others can’t stand that.
Lisa just shakes her head and walks away. She doesn’t have an answer for that.
Panda smiles and collects her things to go home.
She can never tell Lisa or anyone else the truth about why she cannot allow herself to be fixed up with a man. Panda needs to keep her secret safe about who and what she really is: a Wishling, a supernatural being who is lost and forced to live among mortal beings. The rest of her kind, and there were only a handful left, were scattered across the globe by an army of evil powerful demons. For hundreds of years her kind have been trying to find each other because only by banding together would their magic be powerful enough to fight and defeat the Evil Ones. The Evil Ones used all forms of magic barriers and illusions to make it so much harder for the Wishlings to find each other.
The Evil Ones have already taken their toll on the world: atrocities, wars, acts of terrorism, all believed to be perpetrated by man. Some were, but a great many of these were perpetrated by the Evil Ones working through man.
Later that evening in Panda’s home, she flips on the television. The videotape is still in the player, so she continues watching from where it stopped the previous night.
Better grab some tissues, thinks Panda. It never fails. I always start boo-hoo-hooing right about this time.
And sure enough:
Panda sobs as she watches the last few minutes of the “The Black Seal” where Edmund is mutilated and killed from drinking the poisoned wine. She hears a woman’s soprano voice singing the lyrics to the closing theme as the credits roll and on the screen appears a montage of images of the royal family including the recently departed Edmund when he was still alive.
Panda had viewed the videos of the entire Black Adder series several times, yet this particular episode never failed to move her to tears when it got to this part at the end.
So sad, she thinks. Poor Edmund had such a difficult life what with his father treating him so very badly until the very end when he saw Edmund lying there horribly mutilated from the torture chair in which the band of evil men had placed him. The various mechanisms of the chair had driven a spike right up into Edmund, cut off both his ears, chopped off both his hands and severly damaged his private parts with a grinder.
True, Prince Edmund, the Duke of Edinburgh, self-proclaimed as the Black Adder, was a slimy, sniveling, cowardly, horrid little man who stumbled along throughout history. But Panda always had a soft spot for the underdog, the runt of the litter, and for the downtrodden. And besides, there was something so very appealing about his horrid ways and wickedness because he was so very funny and amusing about it. She wanted to save Edmund from the mutilation and poisoned wine.
As a Wishling, she was taught to be aware of the consequences of making things happen simply by wishing for them. She was always careful to keep her wishes simple so she wouldn’t disturb the balance of life or interfere with humankind.
I can do this, thinks Panda. I want to do this. I HAVE to do this. After all, the Black Adder is a fictional character created for television. I wouldn’t be messing with a real person’s life. Heck, not even Rowan Atkinson would be affected.
She gets up from the arm chair that faces the television, picks up the remote control and rewinds the tape. She stops it where it shows Edmund strapped in the torture chair. The evil Philip of Burgundy is telling Edmund in painful detail what the torture chair would do to him.
Then she makes her wish.
Edmund closes his eyes and braces himself for what would certainly be a most excrutiating painful experience. He expects his life to flash before him, but instead he is no longer strapped in the chair. He opens his eyes and finds himself sitting in an arm chair in a unfamiliar strange room. A lovely young woman is standing in front of him. She smiles and comes closer to him.
Oh, my gosh, thinks Panda. He’s here. He’s REALLY here. Right here in my own living room. Okay, be cool. Don’t get all gushy and starry-eyed. Oh, gosh. Prince Edmund! The Black Adder, right HERE!
Panda: Hello, Prince Edmund. You’re safe here now. I am Panda.
Edmund is speechless. He figures he is either dreaming or he died and this is some sort of afterlife. But he doesn’t remember any pain from the mutilation. Maybe he blocked it from his memory?
Panda: You’re not dreaming, and this not the afterlife. [Oh, geez, she thinks. His eyes are even more expressive in person than they are on the tv screen.]
Edmund: No? Then what is this? And how do you know my name?
Panda: You probably wouldn’t believe me if I told you. But for now all you need to know is you are safe here. No more worrying about politics or trying to take over the kingdom or risking your life dealing with warriors armed with swords.
Edmund looks at her, puzzled. If what this Panda said was true, that would be fine with him. He was always one to avoid violence if he could, especially if the violence meant risking his own skin.
Panda: You’ve had a most difficult life, haven’t you, Edmund?
Edmund: Well, yes, I have. [He thinks back about what it had been like.]
Panda thinks to herself, Oh, he’s doing that thing with his upper lip, that thing that makes me just want to melt! Oh, gawd! I want him so bad! Okay, be cool. Take it slow. Be gentle. Remember, he’s still a twenty-eight year old virgin, so don’t scare him.
Panda: That’s all behind you now. Wouldn’t you like to just enjoy your life and be happy?
Panda smiles sweetly at him. She gently takes both his hands up to her lovely angelic face and kisses them.
Panda: Oh, dear. To think these hands were about to be chopped off. And these darling ears were about to be sliced off.
Panda gently kisses those, too.
Edmund cannot believe what is happening. This lovely young woman is being so affectionate to him. He never had much luck with women back home. It was always his brother Harry who got all the women.
Panda’s hands gently work their way down Edmund’s body to the front of his tights.
Panda: And to think what that grinder was about to do to you right here. Tsk, tsk, tsk.
He shudders in anticipation of what he does not dare hope will happen next.
Panda: Edmund, I know you’ve only just met me a moment ago. But I feel like I’ve known you for years and have shared the pain you’ve experienced in some of the major events in your life.
She gently strokes his face.
Panda [whispering in his ear]: I’d like to kiss every inch of you.
She smiles and kisses him on the lips.
Panda: You have such soft lips. I’ve been wanting to do this for such a long time. To be able to hold you and kiss you. To help you feel safe and wanted and loved.
I’ve died and gone to heaven, thinks Edmund. Oh, God, please don’t let this be a dream.
He is terrified that any second now he will wake up and find himself back in his own world, strapped in that chair and about to be mutilated.
She takes him by the hand and leads him to her bedroom. Panda is very gentle with him because she knows he might be nervous since this will be his first intimate experience with a woman. She slowly helps him undress while gently kissing him, taking her time and caressing his body as his clothes come away. He sits on the bed and she smiles down at him. Then she disrobes and stands before him in all her splendid glory: the face of an angel, a perfect body with flawless skin, and soft cascading auburn hair. Edmund wants to speak, but he does not know what to say. He still cannot believe this is happening. Back home all the young eligible women only had eyes for his brother Harry. After years of being rejected, Edmund was convinced they all found him to be so terribly ugly that there was no hope he would ever know the touch of a woman.
Panda [whispering]: No need for words, my dearest. Just be happy.
Panda gives herself to him completely. It is easy for her because she finds him to be so very physically appealing with those big beautiful expressive brown eyes, that thing he sometimes does with his upper lip that she found to be such a turn-on when he’s deep in thought, and his cute trim little body. She had watched the videotapes several times over, and she always did like to see him wearing those tights. He has the legs for it. Not all men look good in tights, she thought, but he’s just so cute!
Edmund lies back on the bed and she covers him with her body. Her hands gently caress him slowly starting with his face, then down along the sides of his neck, his shoulders, his chest, then further down along his hips. She gently and slowly kisses every inch of him, savoring each moment. She can hear him moaning with pleasure.
When she feels he is ready, she positions herself above him and guides him inside of her. His eyes are closed and she can sense his excitement. Panda lowers herself onto him and kisses him ever so sweetly.
She paces herself and slowly makes sweet, gentle love to him throughout the night, whispering into his ears words he never thought any woman would ever whisper to him, telling him how desirable she finds him, and how much she wants him. And so for the first time in his life Edmund finally experiences total bliss. The Black Adder is finally very, very happy. She notices afterward that he wis crying as he holds her close.
Panda [whispering]: Are you okay?
He nods yes.
Edmund: I never thought I’d ever experience this. Thank you, Panda. I’ve never been so happy before in my life.
Sure beats doing it with a sheep, he thinks.
She kisses him gently on his forehead and strokes his hair. She lets him drift off to sleep as they hold each other close.
Tonight Panda just wants and needs so very much to be close to this strangely appealing, wicked, horrid yet funny and amusing little man. She isn’t sure how long he will be able to exist in this world. This is the first time she has ever wished anyone out of a videotape. She remembers reading somewhere that videotapes have a shelf life of only about ten to fifteen years. Chances are he will not be able to live here for very long. The least she can do for him is ensure the quality of his life here will be a very good one, since she cannot guarantee it will be a very long one.
Tomorrow will be another day she will have to face, dealing with seeking ways to connect with her own kind: the few other Wishlings that were left in the world, lost and trying to find each other. She will search while doing her best to blend in with the mortals in this world and fending off unwanted suitors.
The next morning Panda lets her guest sleep in while she does her usual morning routine of emptying the dishwasher, bringing in the newspaper, cleaning the cat’s litter box and filling the pet bowls with fresh water and cat food. Her calico kitty purrs and rubs up against her leg.
Panda had adopted her calico kitty from the local animal shelter. She named her Callie. Callie had been abused when she was a kitten by a gang of boys who felt they needed to feel powerful by picking on a poor helpless baby kitten. Fortunately a neighbor witnessed it and yelled at them. The boys took off, and the neighbor rescued the kitten and turned it into the shelter for veterinary care. Panda happened to be working at the shelter doing volunteer work and heard the whole story about the kitten. So she adopted her and welcomed Callie into her home.
She looks at her sleeping guest and at Callie. You two have something in common, she thinks.
Panda opens the newspaper and reads the headlines. Bad news, as usual. The Evil Ones are still at it.
She has a few hours before she is due back at the office. She thinks about what Lisa said about what the guys at the office called her behind her back: The Ice Queen.
Panda smiles. She likes that title. The Ice Queen. Ice Queen and Prince Edmund.
She takes her shower, gets dressed and prepares herself to face the day.
Edmund feels something licking his face. Bubbles? He thinks it is his cat. He opens his eyes. It is indeed a cat, but not Bubbles. This cat is white with black and rust patches. He looks around and sees he is not in his own bed. Then he remembers what has happened, and he smiles a very deep and contented smile. He closes his eyes and relives in his mind all the delights he experienced throughout last night with the lovely Panda.
Panda: [entering the bedroom]: Good morning, Edmund. Sorry, did Callie wake you?
Edmund: Good morning, Panda. Yes, but it’s fine. I like cats. I have one back at home.
Panda: That’s right. You do. Bubbles, right? Did you sleep well? [Panda sits on the bed and snuggles close to him.]
Edmund: I did. And you?
Panda: Very well, thank you. I’m supposed to go into the office today. But you know what? I’m going to call them and tell them I’m taking the day off. It’s Friday, and I’d like to spend a nice long weekend with my very special guest. How does that sound?
Edmund: Oh, well, it’s your home. I’ll just grab my clothes, get dressed and rush out before your special guest arrives.
He reaches down on the floor where his clothes were.
She laughs. Then she playfully grabs his arm that is reaching for the clothes and pins him back onto the bed, her body covering his. He can feel her curves gently moving back and forth over him.
Edmund: Just kidding. I know you meant me. You did mean me, right?
Panda: Would you be terribly disappointed if I meant the milk man?
Edmund: Yes, I honestly would be. I want you to know that I enjoyed being with you last night. I can’t thank you enough for what you did for me, saving me from the mutilation, and for everything else you did.
Panda: It was my pleasure. I enjoyed being with you, too. So, what would you like to do today?
They look at each other and both know what the other is thinking.
This time she does not hold back. Last night she was very gentle and tender during their lovemaking. But this morning she shows him how passionate she can be. He returns the passion and satisfies her to heights that make her throw her head back and cry out his name over and over in sheer ecstasy.
Oh, yes, she thinks. Taking the day off was a very good idea.
Meanwhile, back at the office we see Lisa flagging down Patrick who she notices coming down the hall:
Lisa: Patrick! Just wanted to say how badly I feel about lunch yesterday. I must apologize for Panda’s behavior. Please don’t judge her too harshly. She was having a bad day.
Patrick: No problem, Lisa. To be perfectly honest, I’m not at a point in my life where I want to be in a relationship with anyone. It’s just not a good time with all that I have to deal with. When I get it all sorted out, then I’ll be ready to be looking for that special someone. I just wish I’d known it was fix-up that other day. I would have told you all this to save everyone a lot of trouble and embarrassment.
Lisa: Patrick, do you think Panda might be gay? I’ve been trying to hook her up with a nice guy for months, but she never liked any of them.
Patrick: I really couldn’t say. Would you please excuse me? I have to work on a report that’s due in about an hour.
Lisa: Of course. I’ll see you around.
She watches him as he heads back to his office. Egad, he’s so gorgeous, she thinks. If I wasn’t already married, I’ll be all over him like maple syrup on a stack of pancakes.
Patrick returns to his office. That report is due very soon, but he has other more important things on his mind. I’ll just take a shortcut, he thinks. He makes a wish. A second later the report is completed. There, that should satisfy the boss, thinks Patrick. He looks at the front page of the newspaper again. Sure enough, he sees signs that the Evil Ones are still at large doing their usual dirty work. If only he could hook up with another Wishling. Between the two of them, their search for the few others that remain in the world would be easier. Then they could stand a much better chance of fighting and defeating the Evil Ones.
Meanwhile in the Secret Lair of the Evil Ones we find Drekel (Supreme Ruler of the Evil Ones) in his court. Cowering before him is one of his demons, one named Guyath. Drekel’s right hand demon Frobis, is holding a dagger to Guyath’s back.
Drekel: Guyath, you disappoint me. Did you really think you could get away with treason? I have many eyes and ears working for me to keep me informed of any possible traitors hiding amongst my army. What were you thinking?
Guyath feels like he is going to be very sick.
Drekel: Not feeling well? Not to worry. In a moment you’ll be dead and won’t feel anymore pain.
Drekel motions to Frobis.
Drekel: Guyath, do you have any last words to say before I have you executed?
Guyath [shaking his head]: No, my Lord.
Drekel: Very well.
Frobis rams the dagger in Guyath’s back. Guyath screams and fell dead to the ground.
Drekel: Frobis, we need to take measures to make sure this type of treason doesn’t happen again. Guyath came so very close to bringing those two Wishlings together, and that would have led to them finding more of those damned Wishlings. We certainly wouldn’t want that to happen, now would we?
Frobis: No, my Lord.
Frobis is the one who uncovered Guyath’s plan to bring Panda and Patrick together by planting the seed in Lisa’s mind to arrange a fix-up. Once the Wishlings saw each other, they would instantly recognize the other to be a Wishling. But Frobis put a stop to that by arriving just in time and secretly placing a magic cloaking device around Patrick and one around Panda. The cloaking device would be completely undetectable to the Wishlings, and it would prevent them from being able to know who and what they really are: supernatural creatures who held the key to bringing down the entire army of the Evil Ones.
Back at Panda’s house:
Breakfast, thinks Panda, and I think I’ll do it the easy way instead of actually making breakfast. She made her wish and put the house into Full Service Wish Mode.
Panda: Want some breakfast?
Edmund: Yes, I’m feeling quite famished.
They go to the dining area.
Panda: Breakfast buffet.
In an instant the empty dining table is transformed. It is was covered in a white tablecloth and trays of assorted breakfast items: fresh cut-up fruit, cereal, muffins, toast, scrambled eggs, and their choice of beverages: orange juice, coffee, tea and hot chocolate.
Edmund: I could learn to like this.
They eat their breakfast.
Panda: Thank you, that was delicious. Clear it away, please.
And the dining table is instantly cleared, dirty dishes and all, thanks to the magic of Full Service Wish Mode.
Callie feasts on a baked salmon. She is one smart feline who knows how to make use of the Full Service Wish Mode. After she is finished she meows and the platter of salmon bones disappear. She curls up on her favorite pillow for a nap.
Panda explains to Edmund that with Full Service Wish Mode, not only can they have their meals served to them, but they can request to have a hot bath drawn or the carpets cleaned or the floors swept, whatever household task that needs to be done. That is a definite plus of being a Wishling. She usually does things without Full Service Wish Mode to conserve energy, but she wants to make things especially nice and easy for her guest.
Panda and Edmund are relaxing in the hot tub when they hear a loud police siren. But this is no ordinary police siren. A cloud appears on the patio where the hot tub is, and the police car emerges from it. It comes to a stop right there on Panda’s patio. The lights on top of the car are flashing, then stop, as do the sirens. The doors open and out step two uniformed officers. They look amazingly a lot like those two peace officers from that old television show that took place in a small town called Mayberry. Panda and Edmund look up at them.
Sheriff: Good afternoon, Miss Wishling. Nice to see you again.
Panda: Good afternoon, Sheriff and Deputy. You’re both looking well. This my friend Edmund Plantagenet. Edmund, this is Sheriff Randy Tyler and Deputy Bernie Fluke. What brings you two fine officers here today? Care for something to eat or perhaps a refreshing beverage?
Edmund sits quietly, not knowing what to make of all this. He’d never seen a car before and the uniforms these officers were wearing looked so strange to him. And what was with that mysterious cloud from which this car emerged?
Sheriff Tyler: Thank you, but I’m afraid this isn’t a social call. It’s about your friend here. We have to see that he gets sent back to where he belongs. Meaning, back to where he came from.
Deputy Fluke: That videotape you wished him out of. You can’t go messing with the fabric of their world, Miss Wishling. Ripples, you know. Ripples.
Panda: What are you talking about, Deputy? I was very careful not to wish for something that would disturb the balance of life or interfere with humankind. And Edmund knows not to venture outside this house, so as not to interact with the people out there.
Sheriff Tyler: Miss Wishling, when you wished Prince Edmund out of that videotape, it had a ripple effect on his world back home. He didn’t fulfill his destiny where his father decrees that the name Edmund Blackadder be carried on down the family line. Therefore, there would be no Lord Edmund Blackadder in the second series, no Mr. Edmund Blackadder in the Regency period in the third series, and no Captain Edmund Blackadder in World War I in the fourth series. No Edmund Blackadder in the Back & Forth special. And no Ebenezer Blackadder Christmas Carol special.
Deputy Fluke: I love that version of the Christmas Carol! So you see, we have to make sure you wish him back where he belongs so he can finish doing what he was meant to do.
Panda [stunned]: You mean so he can be horribly mutilated beyond recognition and then die from drinking poisoned wine? No! I can’t do it!
Edmund feels queasy as he listens to all of this. Go back? Be mutilated and die? Not if he could help it, he thinks. He is finally in a place where he is completely happy, free of responsibility, and where he could enjoy the best sex he’s ever had. Granted, it is the only sex with a woman he’s ever had, which makes him all the more determined to not give up his new life here.
Sheriff Tyler: I’m afraid you don’t have a choice, Miss Wishling. We have our orders. Now wish him back into the videotape.
Panda: Oh, dear. [She turns to Edmund who is now looking very, very depressed.] Officers, would you please give us a few minutes to get dressed? Why don’t you help yourselves to a soda in the refrigerator? We’ll only be a moment.
Sheriff Tyler: Of course. Thank you. [He and the deputy go to the kitchen.]
Panda and Edmund get out of the hot tub. She picks up a couple of plush bath towels, wraps one around herself, then uses the other to gently blot dry Edmund. She hugs him.
Panda [whispering to him]: Not to worry, my dearest. I promise I won’t let any harm come to you.
He looks so very frightened. She kisses him and hugs him.
A few minutes later the officers return from the kitchen.
Sheriff Tyler: Ready, Miss Wishling?
Panda: Yes, but first may we have a moment to say good-bye? [She and Edmund are holding hands.] Good-bye, my dearest beloved Edmund.
Edmund [tearfully]: Good-bye, Panda. [He hugs her tightly, not wanting to let go.]
Panda: I wish you back into the videotape from where you came.
Edmund closes his eyes tightly, bracing himself for the torture and mutilation. But nothing happens. He is still there in Panda’s home.
Sheriff Tyler: Miss Wishling, what’s the holdup?
Deputy Fluke: Are you trying to pull a fast one here?
Panda: No, officers. I made my wish. You both heard me, right? But it’s not my fault if the subject in question, namely Edmund, does not wish to go back. He has to genuinely want to return in order for this wish to work. But I did fulfill what you told me to do, which was to wish him back into the videotape. So, Sheriff and Deputy, you’ve done your job. I’m sure you have other things to attend to, don’t you?
Edmund cannot believe his luck. He wants to jump up in the air with glee, but thinks better of it when he sees the stern looks on Sheriff Tyler and Deputy Fluke.
Deputy Fluke: Maybe we should just take you both in and get this all sorted out.
Sheriff Tyler: No. She’s right. She did make her wish, and she got us on a technicality.
Panda: Thank you, Sheriff. And if The Powers That Be have a problem with it, you can tell them I didn’t make the rules.
Sheriff Tyler: Good day, Miss Wishling. Edmund. And thanks again for the sodas.
Deputy Fluke: Good day, you two.
Panda: Good day, gentlemen.
Edmund: Yes, good day.
The officers get back into their car and disappear into the mysterious cloud. Then the cloud disappears.
Edmund: Panda, did you know that your wish couldn’t work?
Panda: Yes. Well, I had a theory that it would turn out this way. Years ago a certain little witch wished Prince Charming out of her storybook. Her mother made her wish the prince back into the storybook, but it wouldn’t work unless the prince genuinely wanted to return, which he didn’t. Until the little witch’s mother showed the prince who was waiting for him if he returned: Sleeping Beauty. So he decided he wanted to go back after all. The little witch was able to wish Prince Charming back into the storybook.
Edmund: Fascinating. But what of my descendants? No more Edmund Blackadders?
Panda: Why don’t we just let The Powers That Be figure out a way to fix that? For now you can stay with me and enjoy your new life. That calls for a celebration.
They use the Full Service Wish Mode. In an instant they have a bottle of the finest champagne and two elegant crystal glasses.
After they enjoy the champagne they return to the bedroom where they make passionate love as if for the last time, for they do not know when or if The Powers That Be might decide to somehow override that technicality and send Edmund back to his own world.
On Monday Edmund enjoys his new life in Panda’s home while she spends the day back at work. Even though he cannot venture outside the house and risk interacting with people, there is plenty he can enjoy in the house and in the patio and the beautiful garden. Panda leaves the house in Full Service Wish Mode so he could enjoy all the creature comforts she wants him to have. Callie keeps Edmund company while Panda is at work.
That Monday evening on Amtrak’s Capitol Corridor train headed toward Sacramento, Panda finds an empty seat.
Panda: Is this seat taken?
Then she does a double take when she sees who occupies the seat next to it. It is Patrick.
Patrick [smiling]: No. Do please sit down. Unless this is an awkward situation for you, I’d understand.
Panda [doing her best to maintain her composure]: Not at all. [She sits down next to Patrick.]
Lisa comes over to them.
Lisa: Well, well, well! Fancy running into you two here, of all places. Don’t you look cozy.
Oh, crap, thinks Panda. Where the hell did she come from? I didn’t notice her getting on board.
Panda [summoning all her strength to maintain what little was left of her composure]: Hello, Lisa.
Boy, am I going to let Panda have it tomorrow at work, thinks Lisa. After the way she berated me about trying to fix her up with Patrick, and now here they both are, sitting together all cozy-like. Two peas in a pod. Who is she trying to kid?
Patrick: Lisa, this isn’t what you probably think it is. We just happen to ride the same train to get to our respective homes. It’s not like you just found us in bed together at some hotel.
Panda drops her head down toward her lap. She just wants to fall into a hole somewhere.
Lisa: Oh, of course, of course. Well, I was just on my way to the Club Car, so I’ll leave you two lovebirds, uh, I mean business colleagues alone.
And she walks away toward the Club Car, giggling the whole way.
Panda lifts her head back up, leans back into her chair and closes her eyes.
Panda: It’s not like you just found us in bed together at some hotel? How could you even suggest that idea to her?
Patrick: What? Do you find the idea of being in bed with me in some hotel to be repulsive?
Panda: Don’t even go there. Just don’t even TRY to go there. [She sighed.] I’m going to close my eyes and relax for the rest of the ride home, okay?
Patrick: Sure. Fine. That’s okay with me.
Boy, he thought. That nickname Ice Queen fits her like a glove.
The conductor comes by to check for tickets and passes. He is a tall, ruggedly handsome conductor who takes his profession seriously, yet always manages to do so with a good sense of humor. The passengers all like him, for he keeps their safety and welfare in mind first while doing his job.
Panda: Good evening, Frank.
She and Patrick have their monthly passes out and ready.
Conductor Frank: Good evening, folks.
He nods and places the seat check markers above where they sat.
Passenger located a few seats down: So what time do we get to Bakersfield?
They laugh. Gary liked to say that to panic new passengers into thinking they had boarded the wrong train. He and his friends still laughed and couldn’t get over how he did in fact one time throw a couple of young women into total panic when they heard him and thought they boarded the wrong train.
Frank just smiles and shakes his head. That Gary, he thinks. Frank had his hands full earlier in the day dealing with a disruptive drunken passenger. He hopes the evening commute will go better.
Frobis, who looks like human but is actually a demon, boards the train. Instead of heading upstairs he enters the restroom, closes the door and locks it. He can hear the humans speaking and laughing, having a good time on the train as they greet familiar friends. Stupid humans, Frobis thinks. It’s only a matter of time when we will have you all turning against each other and wiping out each other with your weapons of destruction, and then WE will take over the world! HA-HA-HA!!!
The train departs the station. Frobis remains hiding in the restroom. He checks the monitoring device to make sure the cloaking devices he secretly planted on Panda and Patrick were still working. Good, they are still in place and working, he chuckles to himself. Now he can implement his plan to send either Panda or Patrick to the east coast. Doesn’t matter which one, just so long as they are kept far apart. Keep one here on the west coast and send the other to New York.
His thoughts are interrupted by a loud banging on the door.
Young Man Banging on the Door: Hey, are you going to ever come out of there? You’ve been in there for over twenty minutes!
Frobis scowls. Stupid puny mortal, I could crush your skull like an egg! But Frobis knew he had to pretend to be one of them for now and not let on as to who he really was: Right Hand Demon to the Supreme Ruler of the Evil Ones.
He puts away his monitoring device, unlocks the door and opens it. The impatient young man standing outside smirks at him.
Young Man: About time. What was it? A number two? [His name was Kyle, but everyone who knew him called him Trickster because he loved to play pranks.]
Frobis doesn’t know what the man meant and he doesn’t want to waste time asking. He steps out of the restroom and the young man bumps into him as he rushes past Frobis to enter the restroom.
Kyle: Sorry. [He closes the door and locks it.]
Stupid clumsy human! It was only a matter of time before the stupid worthless mortals infesting this planet would end up killing each other with their weapons of destruction. Then the demons would take over what was left over and enslave any remaining living humans. Frobis smiles.
Meanwhile, in the Secret Headquarters of Wishling Technology, we find Karl Hacker, a human recruited by the Wishlings for his expertise to help them in their computer department. Karl was compensated for his work with his own portable Full Service Wish Mode, so he could enjoy the same creature comforts that Panda and Edmund currently enjoy.
Karl: Got it!
He has been assigned to find out why Panda and Patrick, two favorites of the High Commander Wishling, were wearing unauthorized cloaking devices for the past few days.
Well, well, thinks Karl. Turns out these cloaking devices are of demonic origin. And Panda and Patrick aren’t even aware they are wearing them, I bet. Most likely the work of Frobis, from what I’ve heard of that demon bastard. Let’s see what I can do to turn things around.
Karl tinkers a bit here and there. Finally he grins. Yes! He is able to modify the frequency of the cloaking devices so that they became demon detectors. Done, thinks Karl. Now the fun should begin.
Panda and Patrick look at each other.
Panda and Patrick simutaneously: Omigosh, you’re a Wishling! [Then they sense Frobis.] Demon approaching!
They turn and hear heavy footsteps rushing up the stairs. They see Frobis running toward them, looking very angry. Frobis’ monitoring device has alerted him that the cloaking devices are no longer working the way he had intended.
Panda jumps up from her seat and stands in the aisle facing the charging Frobis. Patrick gets up to join her but Frobis is already tackling Panda. The full force of his body pushes Panda down onto the aisle floor. Patrick pulls at Frobis, trying to get the demon off of Panda. The demon has his hands around Panda’s neck, choking her.
The passengers have mixed reactions. Some just stare without saying anything. Others start screaming and yelling. Gary gets up and comes over. Between him and Patrick they are able to get Frobis off of Panda. She coughs and gasps, trying to get her breath back.
Conductor Frank comes running over.
Passenger Gary: He’s crazy! This nut just came running over and knocked this lovely lady down, then started choking her!
Conductor Frank begins questioning Frobis while Gary holds Frobis’ arms behind his back. Patrick grabs Frobis’ legs to stop him from kicking.
Conductor Frank [calmly]: I don’t believe I ever got around to collecting your ticket yet, sir. Could you please show it to me?
Frobis [seething with rage]: Of course, conductor. It’s in my jacket pocket. Left-hand inside pocket, to be more specific.
Frank lifts the left-hand side of Frobis’ jacket. The pocket is empty.
Conductor Frank: I don’t find a ticket there, sir. Perhaps it’s in another pocket?
They check the other pockets of his clothes. No ticket. No wallet.
Conductor Frank: Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave my train when we get to the next stop in just a couple of minutes. I’m going to call the Richmond Police Department so they can send a couple of officers to safely escort you out.
Frobis: But I had a ticket! And my wallet was there! Where’s my wallet?! [Frobis looks frantically about. Maybe it fell out during the fracas?]
Meanwhile, in the Club Car, Lisa and Kyle are enjoying some beers and munchies.
Kyle the Trickster: My treat, Lisa. I happen to have come into some extra cash, so let’s live it up. [He fans out the wad of cash from Frobis’ wallet that he had pickpocketed from him earlier when he “bumped” into the demon while rushing past him to get into the restroom.]
Stupid puny mortals, thinks Frobis. I will simply overpower their police officers while in their custody and escape into the night! Frobis doesn’t want to use his demon powers in front of so many witnesses. Patrick and Gary hold onto Frobis while Frank makes his phone call to the Richmond Police Department. But what Frank doesn’t know is that this entire situation is being monitored by Karl Hacker in the Secret Headquarters of Wishling Technology. Karl intercepts the phone call and reroutes it so that instead of reaching the Richmond Police Department, Frank is speaking with the Law Enforcement Division of Wishling Headquarters.
Dispatcher: Yes, Conductor, we’ll send a couple of our finest officers over right away.
A mysterious cloud appears just outside the train doors at the Richmond train station. A police car emerges from the cloud and two uniformed officers come out of the car. They are Sheriff Randy Tyler and Deputy Bernie Fluke.
Sheriff Tyler: We’ll take it from here, Frank.
He and the deputy take hold of Frobis and handcuffed him. But not with just ordinary handcuffs. These are very special handcuffs recently designed by Karl back at the Secret Headquarters of Wishling Technology. Demon-proof handcuffs. And Frobis has the honor of being the very first demon to wear them.
Frobis [screaming as they placed him in the back seat of the police car]: NOOOO!!!!”
Deputy Fluke: Be quiet back there!
The following day at the Secret Lair of the Evil Ones there is knock at the door.
Boogra, a lowly and not-too-bright demon: Who is it?
Voice at the door: Pizza delivery!
Boogra eagerly opens the door. The young pizza delivery man hands him a large, flat square box.
Pizza Man: That’ll be $28.95.
Boogra: Yes, yes. Here you go, and keep the change.
Pizza Man: Thank you, sir. Enjoy your pizza.
The pizza man grins, bows, spins around on his heels and leaves.
Drekel the Supreme Ruler of the Evil Ones emerges from the shadows.
Boogra jumps and almost drops the pizza.
Drekel [reads at the address label on the pizza box]: You had a pizza delivered HERE?! Boogra, so when you phoned in the order, you told them to deliver it to ‘The Secret Lair of the Evil Ones’ and then gave them OUR ADDRESS?!
Boogra: Y-yes, m’lord. That’s how it works. That’s how they know where to go to deliver it.
Drekel: Boogra, it appears the concept of ‘Secret Lair’ has escaped you during your stay with us. No wonder we’ve had to relocate our Secret Lair half a dozen times since you joined us!
Boogra: Care to try a slice, m’lord? It’s excellent. And I always make sure to give him a nice tip so he won’t spit on the pizza.
Drekel [glaring at the lowly demon]: I suppose I could just beat you within an inch of your life, but unfortunately I need you around alive and able because Frobis has been arrested and is held captive by our enemies!
Boogra: The Wishlings got Frobis?!
Drekel: Yes. Happened on a train. He was too rash, moved too quickly, blew it and now they have him!
Boogra: M’lord, you really should try a slice of this pizza. You won’t be sorry.
Drekel snatches the slice from Boogra. He takes a bite.
Drekel: No more deliveries! We’re going to have to relocate and when we get to our new Secret Lair, DON’T GIVE OUT OUR ADDRESS TO ANYONE!
Boogra figures now is not a good time to tell Drekel about the case of Girl Scout cookies he had delivered earlier. Boogra cannot resist the chocolate-covered peanut butter ones. The little Girl Scouts seemed curious about the Secret Lair, but he never allowed them to step inside. Just handed them the money, took the cookies, and sent them on their way. The cookies freeze well, he was told, so he had plenty to last him for next few months.
A few miles away from the Secret Lair of the Evil Ones the pizza man is driving down the road. He pulls over and makes a call on his wireless phone. Karl Hacker at Wishling Technology answers.
Pizza Man: Karl, I made the delivery.
Karl: Good job, Trickster! That’ll keep them calling for more so we can continue to track their secret hideout.
Kyle the Trickster/Pizza Man: Who would have thought that the combination of pepperoni, cheese, mushrooms and tomato sauce would be addictive to demons as nicotine is to humans? I can always count on Boogra to phone in an order.
Meanwhile, back at Panda’s home:
Panda looks at her reflection in the mirror. Her neck still has marks on it from when Frobis had choked her the other night. The marks should disappear by tomorrow, she thinks.
We flashback now to the scene on the train, as Panda recalls what happened:
The people on the train are very concerned about her and keep asking her if she wants to go to the hospital to make sure she hadn’t suffered any internal injuries from the attack. She tells them she is fine and not to worry. Patrick seems especially concerned. When he helps her up he has an odd look on his face as he stares into her eyes. He does not let go of her for the longest time.
It does not help matters when Lisa and her companion Kyle come running over when they hear what has happened. Lisa grins wickedly when she sees how Patrick is holding Panda closely in his arms and gazing into her eyes.
Kyle also comes over and is very concerned about Panda’s condition. He asks her several times if she wants to go the hospital and are you sure you’re okay and if you don’t want to go to the hospital then would she let him examine her as he had completed a CPR and First Aid class a year ago. Yes, she isn’t surprised that Kyle would suggest “playing doctor” with her. He always did seem to have a thing for me, thinks Panda. She remembers how he often followed her around the train when she went to the Club Car and how he’d flirt with her shamelessly.
Kyle stands on the other side of Panda as Patrick is still holding her in his arms.
Kyle: Patrick, I think you can let go of her now. Let me take her over to the Club Car so she can lie down and I’ll get her a cool drink.
Patrick motions for Kyle to leave, but the Trickster keeps hanging around. Kyle does not care for this tall, handsome piece of competition ruining whatever little chance he has of winning Panda’s affections.
Panda finally tells Patrick that she is fine and that he can let go of her. She heads for the Club Car with Kyle closely following behind.
Lisa [grinning and taking Patrick by the arm]: Details, details, Patrick. Talk to me, dear boy.
Patrick just shakes his head.
Patrick: I’d rather not talk about it, Lisa. Would you please excuse me?
Then he heads toward the Club Car. He needs to speak with Panda privately, now that he knows she is a Wishling. But how can he get her away from that Kyle?
Kyle buys a bottle of water for Panda. She sips from it slowly and thinks about what had happened earlier. So Patrick’s a Wishling. Why hadn’t she picked up on it days ago? Wishlings are supposed to be able to sense each other instantly. There was a lot she needed to sort out. Suddenly her head feels like it is spinning. She grips the edge of her seat, then everything goes black, and she starts to fall.
He catches her quickly before she falls off the seat. Patrick enters the Club Car. He rushs over when he saw the two of them.
Patrick: What happened?
He tries to take hold of Panda, but Kyle will not let go of her.
Kyle: She must have fainted. Did she suffer a head injury when that guy attacked her?
Patrick: Possibly. He knocked her down to the floor pretty hard.
He needs to get her out of there before other people started coming over. Right now it is just the three of them in the Club Car plus the fellow selling the food and beverages.
Guess I’ll have to bring Kyle along for the ride, thinks Patrick. He takes hold of Kyle and Panda and males his wish. The next instant all three of them vanish from the Club Car.
Patrick, Panda and Kyle magically appear in the bedroom of Patrick’s home.
Kyle: Whoa!!! What just happened??!! [He looks around, trying to make sense of their new surroundings.]
Patrick: I’ll explain later. [He takes hold of Panda and gently places her down onto his bed.] I’m going to summon my own private physician.
Kyle: You have a doctor who makes house calls? Unbelievable.
Patrick makes another wish. Merlin appears. (Yes, THE Merlin.) He is already up to speed because Patrick made sure of that when he summoned Merlin so he wouldn’t have to waste time explaining it all to his friend the wizard.
Merlin examines Panda.
Merlin: She suffered a slight concussion. Not to worry, Patrick. I can bring her out of it.
He waves his wand over Panda’s body and in a few seconds she opens her eyes.
Panda: Oh, gawd, what happened? And where am I?
Patrick: You’re in my home. You must have bumped the back of your head pretty hard when Frobis attacked you on the train. How do you feel now? Do you remember anything?
Kyle comes over and sits on the bed. He takes hold of Panda’s hand.
Kyle: Remember me? Please tell me you remember all the beautiful memories we made. All those hot, sweaty nights when we made passionate love over and over and over.
Patrick removes Kyle’s hands from Panda.
Patrick: Go sit over there in that chair. You can stay if you just be quiet.
Kyle scowls and sits in the chair.
Panda: I have to go home. Edmund’s waiting for me. He must be worried.
Patrick: Edmund? Who’s Edmund?
Panda: He’s someone very dear to me. He lives with me, and I should go home now.
Figures she’d already have a live-in stud, thinks Kyle. He glances over at Merlin.
Kyle: So you’re Merlin, huh? The REAL Merlin?
Merlin: Yes. And you’re not an ordinary mortal human, are you, young fellow?
Patrick: What do you mean, Merlin? Kyle, is there something you want to tell us?”
Panda watches and listens to them.
Kyle: I guess there’s no point hiding it. I know about the Wishlings. You’re one, aren’t you? And I think Panda might be one, too. Am I right? I know all this because I’m half Wishling and half human.
Patrick and Panda stare at Kyle.
Merlin: I’ll take my leave now. You all have a lot to sort out.
And the wizard vanishes.
Panda: He’s right. We do have a lot to sort out. But let’s do it tomorrow. I really have to be going home. Let’s meet back here around 7 p.m. Sound okay?
Kyle: That’s good for me.
Patrick: Me, too.
Panda makes her wish and disappears. An instant later she is back home with her beloved Edmund and her adopted kitty Callie.
The next day Drekel the Supreme Ruler of the Evil Ones ponders his options on how to handle this new problem. He had a vision the night before that warned him of his own demise: The two Wishlings Panda and Patrick would one day produce an offspring who would kill Drekel.
I cannot allow that to happen, thinks Drekel. His visions were never wrong, so he wasn’t about to let this one come true.
He would kill them if he could, but no demon has ever been able to kill a Wishling. Their magic was too powerful. A Wishling could be injured by a demon, but never killed.
He has an idea. Turn them against each other, or at least turn one of them against the other. That way they would never marry and bring this offspring into the world who would one day kill me, he thinks. Yes, that’s what I’ll do. He laughs, for he thought of how he would carry out his plan. I’m going to enjoy doing this so much that I can’t wait to begin, Drekel gleefully says to himself.
He has at his disposal two magic potions. One will render a Wishling temporarily stripped of the power to make things happen by wishing for it. Drekel so far has never been able to successfully create a magic potion to permanently strip away a Wishling’s powers, but this temporary potion will have to do for now. The other magic potion he has will enable him to disguise himself to look and sound like anyone of his choosing.
He also removes the demon detectors around Panda and Patrick. Damn that human who worked in Wishling Technology for tinkering with his cloaking devices he had Frobis secretly place on them! Drekel is ready to put his plan into action.
Drekel forges a message from Panda telling Patrick and Kyle that she needs to reschedule their meeting to 10 p.m. instead of the earlier agreed time of 7 p.m. So early that evening Patrick and Kyle meet at a local pool hall to kill time before 10 p.m. Kyle is eager to learn as much as he could from Patrick, especially how to teleport himself from one place to another. Being only half Wishling, he cannot do that, but he is hopeful that he can learn how from Patrick. They will be hanging out together for a least a few hours, as Drekel’s sources inform him. That will be perfect, thought Drekel.
Drekel uses one of the potions to transform himself to look and sound exactly like Patrick. He arranges to meet Panda at Patrick’s home on a pretense of finding whatever few other Wishlings there were left in the world so they could eventually all band together to defeat the Demons.
When Panda arrives at Patrick’s home she is greeted by Drekel disguised as Patrick. He tells her Kyle is running a little late and will be joining them soon. He offers her a drink tainted with the potion that would strip away her powers temporarily. Panda drinks it while Drekel watches carefully to make sure she finishes every drop.
Now to make her hate, loathe and despise Patrick, thinks Drekel. Oh, I’m going to relish doing this to her, the little Wishling whore.
He quickly grabs Panda and ties her wrists behind her back with duct tape.
Panda: Patrick! What are you doing?!
Drekel: How’d you like to play a little game? It’s all in fun, nothing serious.
He lifts her off her feet and carries her into Patrick’s bedrom.
Panda: Patrick, I’m really not in the mood for games. Would you please let go of me and untie me? She was getting nervous. This was totally out of character of the Patrick she knew.
Drekel: Oh, come on, Panda. [He smiles wickedly at her.] Just play along for a bit. You might even find yourself enjoying it as much as I do.
Drekel places her on the bed and unties her wrists for only a moment so he can then quickly fasten her wrists to the headboard with more duct tape. She is very frightened now.
Okay, enough is enough, she thinks. She makes her wish. But nothing happeneds. She is still tied to the headboard and the man she thinks is Patrick is looking down at her with a very sinister look on his face, grinning and up to no good.
He takes hold of her blouse and rips it open. She starts to scream but he covers her mouth with a piece of duct tape.
Drekel: No screaming.
Drekel tears off the rest of her clothing, leaving her completely naked and feeling very vulnerable.
Panda cannot believe this is happening. No, no, she tells herself. Why is he doing this to me?
Drekel takes a good look at the female Wishling lying there helpless, stripped of both her powers and her clothing, tied down and unable to scream. He finds he cannot take his eyes off her flawless body. He looks her over from head to toe and is amazed. It is like looking at an airbrushed centerfold photograph. There are absolutely no flaws on her, not even one tiny blemish, no moles or scars. Drekel had brutally ravaged many women over the years past, and he’d seen many women in their naked state after he’d torn off their clothing, but he’d never seen one with such a perfect body and such a lovely face. And that hair: a beautiful shade of auburn perfectly framing her beautiful features. Drekel catches himself. Snap out of it, he tells himself. Get on with this mission. Time to brutally ravage her and shatter her emotionally so that she’ll totally despise and hate Patrick. I’ll have her weeping so hard and in so much pain, she’ll want to kill Patrick.
Panda’s mind is racing trying to figure a way out of her predicament. Why is Patrick about to violate her? Wishlings have never harmed one another ever since they came into existence. It was unheard of. This must be some sick joke he’s playing on me, she desperately hopes. Any second now he’ll laugh and untie me. And that’s when I’ll kick him in the balls!
Drekel removes his shirt. He kicks off his shoes, then sheds his pants and briefs and socks. All the while he looks at Panda and studies her reaction to all of this. She looks so very frightened, like a little rabbit about to be slaughtered.
Gawd, she’s so perfect, he thinks. Snap out it! What’s wrong with me, he asks himself. Just do it!
Drekel gets on the bed and positions himself on top of her. He puts his face very close to hers. She shudders with revulsion and turns her face away, all the while keeping her legs pressed close together as hard as she can. Damn him! If he’s going to take me, he’s going to have to fight me for it, she thinks. And I’m not going to give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry. But Panda is very much on the verge of tears, as she’d never been raped before and the thought of knowing what was about to happen to her terrifies her.
Drekel chuckles. So feisty, he thinks. Tied up and unable to scream, yet still so feisty. He is very amused at this Wishling.
Drekel [whispering into her ear]: Panda, if you promise not to scream, I’ll remove the duct tape from your mouth. But know that I WILL hurt you if you scream. And trust me, you don’t want to know how hard I can hurt you.
Panda looks at him, then she slowly nods her head. Drekel removes the tape, ripping it off with one quick movement.
Panda: Ow! That doesn’t count as a scream, does it?
She IS an amusing little thing, he thinks. He looks at her mouth. Those luscious soft moist lips. Egad, she’s so beautiful. He catches himself again. What the hell is wrong with me? Just go ahead and brutally ravage her!
He puts his hands on her breasts and gently and slowly fondles them instead of mauling them as he originally intended. Panda shudders uncontrollably from his touch. His usual way of violating women included beating them and leaving them marred with bruises, scars, cuts, and burn marks. But he finds himself not wanting to do those things to her. Why do I feel this way, he ask himself. Because it would be like vandalizing my own playground, he tells himself. I like my playgrounds to be attractive so I can fully enjoy them. He slowly moves his hands up and down along her body. He can hear her moaning and shuddering in spite of herself. Can I get her to spread her legs for me without my needing to force them apart, he wonders. He covers her mouth with his and kisses her passionately. He embraces the Wishling with his arms and fondles her ever so gently, slowly caressing her soft skin.
Panda despises him for doing this to her, but physically her body is betraying her by indicating that she wants more from him and that she doesn’t want him to stop. A few minutes later he can feel her body relaxing in his arms as he continues to manipulate her. Soon she is no longer pressing her legs together to prevent him from entering her. She slowly lets them spread apart, then wraps her legs around him as she pulls him closer to her. He continues to gently kiss her all over her body, determined to make her want him in spite of herself. Soon she is returning Drekel’s kisses.
Forgive me, Edmund, she thinks to herself. Then she let the man she believes to be Patrick enter her. Drekel penetrates her and she cries out in delight as he thrusts himself deeply inside her, sliding back and forth in perfect rhythm. He slides his hands underneath the baby-soft smooth skin of her buttocks and presses her even closer against his body as he continues to thrust himself inside of her. Being a demon, Drekel possesses great stamina, so he is able to maintain his rhythm for the next two hours, which he does, and he enjoys every minute of it because she is a perfect fit: tight, warm and moist. Drekel is amazed. He cannot remember ever experiencing this high level of sexual gratification until now with Panda. But then he’d never had a Wishling before. He studies her reaction throughout the entire experience. Panda is drenched with sweat and delirious by the time he is finished with her. She looks like she is about to pass out.
Panda: Oh, Patrick, I’ve never experienced anything quite like that. That was amazing. Thank you.
Drekel has mixed feelings from hearing her say that. He is glad his disguise is still holding up to fool her into thinking he was Patrick. But it doesn’t sit well with him that Patrick is getting credit for the past two straight hours of unbridled sexual pleasure that Drekel had just given to Panda.
And that is how Drekel set into motion the events that would lead to his own demise, for it was not Panda and Patrick he saw in his vision who produced the offspring who would one day kill Drekel. It was Panda and Drekel disguised as Patrick. Panda had no idea that she was now pregnant with the child of the Supreme Ruler of the Evil Ones.
Panda drifts off to asleep as Drekel holds her in his arms. He had untied her wrists when they were about twenty minutes into their passionate act, for he felt by then he could trust her to not fight him, and she needed the blood circulation restored to her hands after being tied to the headboard all that time.
What the hell just happened here, he asks himself. This is NOT how a plan comes together. She doesn’t hate Patrick now. If anything, she’s probably totally crazy about him.
Half an hour later Drekel looks at the clock on Patrick’s nightstand. It is nine-thirty. The real Patrick and young Kyle will be here soon. Drekel had to think fast. He doesn’t have a contingency plan, so he is at a loss as to what to do next. The original plan was to brutally ravage Panda so she would think it was Patrick who violated her. Then she would totally despise him. Drekel would slip outside right before the real Patrick returned. The real Patrick of course would deny ever having harmed Panda. Panda would be furious thinking that Patrick was lying.
Meanwhile, back at Merlin’s workshop the wizard is observing what had happened between Drekel and Panda in Patrick’s bedroom. He knows it is inevitable that Drekel will impregnate Panda, and the evil Drekel would most certainly have taken delight in brutally ravaging her and enjoyed seeing and hearing her suffer and cry out in excrutiating pain. So Merlin had decided to step in to ensure Panda would not have to endure being raped. He used a spell to make Drekel unwilling to rape and brutalize Panda. Instead Drekel would be mesmerized by her flawless beauty, for she was indeed like a goddess in her beauty, and so he would slowly and methodically make love to Panda. The prophecy would still be fulfilled: Drekel and Panda would produce the offspring who would one day be responsible for Drekel’s demise, thus saving the world from being taken over by the Evil Ones.
So far none of the Wishlings or anyone at the Special Headquarters of Wishling Technology had been able to identify Drekel on sight. He had always managed to keep a very low profile and used many disguises. Getting a profile on Drekel was one of Karl Hacker’s top assignments. But the Supreme Ruler of the Evil Ones was a sly and elusive foe.
Drekel notices his reflection in the mirror on the wall of Patrick’s bedroom. The potion is wearing off. His Patrick disguise is fading and in seconds he will look like his normal demon self. Panda is awakening. The potion he placed in her drink will be wearing off, too, he figures. She will have her Wishling powers back very soon. Drekel is about to put his hand over her mouth in case she screams when she opens her eyes and sees him in bed with her instead of Patrick.
Then he knows what to do: He uses his demonic magic to teleport Panda, himself, and their clothes out of Patrick’s home and into Panda’s bedroom. He makes sure to leave no evidence in Patrick’s home that they were there during the past few hours.
Drekel makes sure the teleportation would be a smooth transition for Panda so as not to awaken her just yet. Perfect. They emerge on Panda’s bed, as if they had been there all along.
Fortunately for Drekel, Edmund is in another room of Panda’s house. He had fallen asleep in the library while reading a book.
Panda opens her eyes slowly and looks up at Drekel. He braces himself for the scream he expected. But instead she smiles sweetly at him.
Panda: Hello, Edmund. I just had the most unusual dream.
Edmund? Who’s that, Drekel wonders. I must look like someone she knows, he figured, and she must know him pretty well to not be surprised to find him in bed with her. Husband? Boyfriend?
Panda reaches up and embraces Drekel, pulling him down toward her. She gives him a deep, long, wet kiss, while lightly running her fingers along the back of his neck.
Panda: And it was a most erotic dream, so I’m feeling very excited. Will you take me now, please, my dearest?
Drekel smiles. He is only too happy to oblige. Panda rolls Drekel onto his back so she can be on top of him.
Panda: But first, let me taste you.
She looks deeply and lovingly into his eyes. Then she covers him with kisses starting on his mouth, then all over his face, along his neck, down his chest and worked her way down his body. Drekel is amazed at how eager and willing she is to take him in such an unexpected manner. And Panda takes him with such passion that he thinks she will consume him completely. When she feels he is ready, she releases him.
Panda: Now, my beloved, take me now, please.
Drekel quickly enters her loins and thrusts himself over and over inside her with a passion that equals hers. She cries out with joy as they both reach a simultaneous climax. Drekel cannot believe his luck. Who is this Edmund, he wonders. He’s some mighty lucky bloke if she does this for him every night, he thinks, and I must be a dead ringer for him if she can’t tell the difference between us in bed.
While all this is happening Edmund is sound asleep in the library. Callie is asleep on the rug by his feet. They are completely unaware of what is going on in Panda’s bedroom.
Patrick and Kyle arrive at Patrick’s home at ten o’clock. Drekel had left a forged message from Panda on Patrick’s answering machine, expressing her regrets but that something came up and she needed to reschedule their meeting for another time.
After Drekel finishes satisfying Panda again, this time in her own bed, he quietly gathers his clothes and her torn clothing and teleports himself back to his Secret Lair. She drifts off to sleep and does not notice him disappear. He will be back another time to enjoy the pleasures of her body, Drekel promises himself.
But for now he has to regroup and figure out how to prevent his vision from coming true.
Five years later:
Drekel continues his evil reign of terror with his army of demons. They manipulate people and cause them to hate and fear one another. Wars continue throughout the world.
The Wishlings still have not defeated the demons as they were outnumbered. The Wishlings are losing hope and their morale is sinking. It looks like very soon humankind will end up destroying each other and then Drekel and his army will rise and take over the world.
Panda had given birth to her baby nine months after Drekel had impregnated her. It was a daughter which Panda named Rowena. She and Edmund believed the child to be theirs, so that’s how they raised her. What they did not know was that Rowena was half Wishling and half demon.
Little Rowena enjoyed most of the things young girls her age usually liked: playing in the garden, drawing pictures with crayons, and having tea parties with her dolls. She and Panda’s cat Callie got along just fine. Callie even let Rowena dress her up in some doll clothes for her little tea parties.
Rowena also enjoyed reading books and watching videotapes from her mother’s library. But there was one videotape her mother kept locked away. Rowena was told to never play this particular one. It was the videotape where Edmund had come from years ago when Panda made her wish and brought him into this world.
Of course, by telling a child she couldn’t have something, it makes her want it all the more. That’s how it is for mortal children. It was no different for Rowena the half Wishling/half demon.
The scene is the garden just outside Panda’s home. Panda and Edmund are in the garden. Rowena sneaks back into the house and enters her parents’ bedroom. She walks over to the cabinet where the forbidden videotape is kept. Rowena had discovered her own magic powers at the very early age of eight months and had been practicing to improve her skills. She wishes for the cabinet to unlock, and so it does. She opens the door and brings out the forbidden videotape, pops it into the player and sits down to watch.
Rowena is fascinated by the stories told in this videotape. It’s Daddy, she thinks. She sees the stories of Prince Edmund the Black Adder play out on the screen. But when it reaches the part where he is strapped in the torture chair and about to be mutilated, Edmund vanishes from the chair and that’s when the tape goes blank. There is nothing else. Rowena is puzzled. She cannot ask her mother or Edmund to help her because then they would know she had disobeyed them. She sits there wondering what to do about it.
Meanwhile, miles away in the Secret Lair of the Evil Ones, Drekel is thinking of seeing Panda again. He cannot forget that night five years ago when he had taken her, both in Patrick’s bedroom and later in Panda’s own bedroom. It was the by far the greatest sexual experience he ever had.
Maybe I should pay her a visit, he thinks. Things are going well. My army has things under control. I really could use some R&R, and Panda is just the one I’d like to spend it with, thinks Drekel. Yes, I can’t wait to be with her again.
He uses his demon magic to teleport himself to Panda’s bedroom. Rowena looks up and is startled.
Daddy? Drekel looks at the child. He gets down on his knees and gazes at Rowena.
Drekel [smiling]: Hello, dear.
Rowena: Please don’t be cross with me, Daddy. I didn’t mean to do it. And please don’t tell Mommy!
Drekel: Tell Mommy what, sweetheart?
Rowena: That I unlocked the cabinet and looked at the videotape that I wasn’t supposed to. I’m sorry, Daddy.
Rowena looks as if she is about to cry.
Drekel gently picks up Rowena, sits on the bed and places the child on his lap.
Drekel: There, there, little one. Not to worry. No harm done. It was just a silly video.
Rowena: So you won’t tell Mommy?
Drekel: We’ll just keep this our little secret, okay?
Rowena smiles and hugs Drekel.
Drekel is curious. What’s so special about this video, he wonders.
Rowena: Daddy, the story didn’t finish!
Rowena pulls at his sleeve and points at the television screen.
Rowena: I have an idea! Daddy, you can finish the story! Please, Daddy? Will you, please?
Rowena’s eyes brightens and she tugs at Drekel’s arm.
Drekel: You mean you want me to tell you a story?
Rowena: No, Daddy! Go sit in the chair, okay?
Rowena points again at the television screen.
Drekel doesn’t understand what this lovely child is talking about, but he decides to play along.
Drekel: Okay, sweetheart. I’ll sit in the chair.
He looks around the room, thinking she meant one of the arm chairs along the wall of the bedroom.
Rowena: Thank you, Daddy!
Rowena makes her wish. Drekel disappears and goes into the videotape. Rowena presses “play” and looks at the screen. Drekel, looking exactly like Edmund, has taken Edmund’s place in the torture chair. The story plays itself out, as it originally was meant to, only Drekel ends up mutilated. He tries to stop what is happening to him but finds he cannot. Drekel is reciting the lines from the original story and doing the things that the original script calls for which includes drinking the poisoned wine.
Drekel, the Supreme Ruler of the Evil Ones dies, and so his vision comes true.
Without their leader, the army of demons cannot succeed, so it is not long before the Wishlings are able to finally defeat them.
Merlin watches all of this from his workshop as he gazes into his crystal ball.
Merlin: So from now on, the people in that world have only themselves to blame for the evil that goes on. As it should be.
And so Panda and Edmund live happily ever after with Callie and Rowena.
Based on characters created by Richard Curtis and Rowan Atkinson. Characters are used here without permission of their creators. This is strictly a personal work of fan fiction written for pleasure, not profit.
This page has no intention to infringe on the rights of the BBC, who are the intellectual property holders of ‘Black Adder’, & hold copyright over the episodes, characters, merchandise & storyline.
The characters of Panda the magical Wishling and Drekel the demon are the sole creations of Jean Akins.