A Chronology of Time

Blackadder: A Chronology of Time
Written by: Sam Liddicott

Music by: The Turd workshop.

Estimated running time: 90 minutes.

Based on the short ‘Blackadder Back and Forth’ (copyright) and inspired by Blackadder II, III, and Blackadder Goes Forth by Richard Curtis and Ben Elton.

Cast: (in order of importance)
Edmund Blackadder/Captain Blackadder: Rowan Atkinson
Baldrick/Pte. Baldrick: Tony Robinson
Captain Darling/Percy: Tim McInnerry
George/Prince Regent: Hugh Laurie
Melchett/General Melchett: Stephen Fry
Mrs. Miggins: Helen Atkinson-Wood
Elizabeth I: Miranda Richardson
Nursie: Patsy Byrne
Shakespeare: Bill Wallis
Prime minister Perceval: Jim Sweeny
Prime minister’s wife: Linda Polan
Policemen: Robbie Coltrane and Phillip Pope
King Harold: Jim Broadbent
William Duke of Normandy: Chris Barrie
Henry VIII: Robbie Coltrane
Corporal: Denis Lill.
Field Marshall: Geoffrey Palmer
Soldier 1: Ramsay Gilderdale
Soldier 2: Erkan Mustafa
Richard IV: Brian Blessed
Queen: Elsept Gray

Scene I.
Blackadder and Baldrick are sitting in the time machine in 1999. It’s during Blackadder Back and Forth. They’re having a philosophical chat.

Baldrick:
…. There’s always going to be a Blackadder, there’s always going to be a Baldrick, and individuals are always going to have the power to change time.

Blackadder:
Yes very profound Baldrick.

Baldrick:
Our families have had some good history in the past sir. I wonder what it used to be like all those years ago? I wonder what it used to be like in the Elizabethan times and in the past? And I wonder what it’s going to be like in the future? It must have been better than this!

Blackadder:
Yes that’s an interesting one, as we are in a time machine (laughs). I wonder what the past was like…

The scene cuts and it cuts to the Elizabethan times. Blackadder and Baldrick stare into the distance in recollection, as the scene starts to fade.

Scene 2. Title: Ink (Based on series II)
The scene is set in 1559. Blackadder is siting at his table. Surrounding him are Percy, and Baldrick. Blackadder is sitting on a small chair, reading a book. The door knocks.

Blackadder:
Get that, and if it is anyone bar a very attractive female, or a wealthy dowager, tell them to get lost.

Baldrick goes to get the door, whilst Blackadder notices Percy is dressed as William Shakespeare. Blackadder looks confused.

Blackadder:
Percy, what are you wearing?

Percy looks proud and prunes his fake beard.

Percy:
A- ha sir. I am William Shakespeare!

Baldrick has answered the door, and in walks William Shakespeare. Shakespeare walks in, and he stands next to Blackadder, and is carrying his latest play.

Blackadder:
No Percy, (pointing to Shakespeare) I believe that is William Shakespeare.

Shakespeare:
Good afternoon gentlemen.

Blackadder stands amazed. Baldrick also does. Percy stands there looking like a prat.

Shakespeare:
I come sirs with the most splendid news…

Blackadder:
Ah! You though Hamlet was crap too?

Shakespeare:
No. I have hit a bit of a dry patch. You see I am writing a new play, and I want to make it a tragedy. The thing is, I just cannot think of anything. The queen says that you would be the best man to ask.

Blackadder:
Ha ha, the thing is that…

Shakespeare:
You would be fabulously rewarded.

Blackadder suddenly has an idea.

Blackadder:
Yes, well, why not?

Shakespeare:
Yes you see the thing is that Lord Melchett also sad yes too. Looks as though you will both are writing a play. Tell you what. The best one, will, umm… Win 1,000 pounds.

Blackadder:
A thousand pounds?

Shakespeare:
Yep. Well can’t hang around. See you gentlemen. (Looking to Percy) Oh nice outfit. Beard is not bushy enough!

Shakespeare leaves.

Blackadder:
Did you hear that boys?

Both:
Yep!

Blackadder:
And do you know what this means?

Both:
Nope!

Blackadder:
It means that I will be rich. All I have to do is write a play, and then collect 1,000 pounds.

Baldrick and Percy both laugh.

Blackadder:
What’s so amusing?

Baldrick:
You’ve never written a play in your life sir…

Percy:
Yes, to be quite honest sir, there’s more chance of Baldrick taking a bath, than you winning the 1000 pounds.

Baldrick:
He’s not wrong there sir.

Blackadder:
Any bright ideas boys?

Inevitably Baldrick leans forward and utters the immortal words…

Baldrick:
I have a cunning plan sir.

Blackadder:
All right then, what’s your plan, dungball?

Baldrick:
Well I was just thinking that someone could go to the queen’s dressed as William Shakespeare, and make Melchett tell him his idea. Then you could steal that idea, and get the 1000 pounds! What do ya think?

Blackadder:
Baldrick! It’s bloody brilliant. Where are we going to get someone so stupid as to dress up as Shakespeare? And who…

Blackadder and Baldrick both look towards Percy who is dressed as Shakespeare. Percy gulps.The scene cuts to the time machine.

Baldrick:
Cor, your relatives were devious sir, but cunning.

Blackadder:
Yes, they weren’t they?

Blackadder strokes his beard and grins

Scene III.
The scene is outside of the queen’s chambers. Percy is there dressed as Shakespeare. Baldrick and Blackadder are standing there, explaining the plan.Blackadder:
So you know what to do then?

Percy:
I go in, say that I am Shakespeare, and get the parchments, and then come out.

Blackadder:
Good. And if you don’t get this right, then I’ll take that beard, then I’ll shove it up…

Baldrick:
Sir. (Baldrick interrupts; the queen is ready.)

Blackadder:
Right, this is it. Don’t blow it, and remember what I said…

 

Scene IV.
Percy knocks on the door.
Queenie:
Enter!

Percy enters. In the room sits the queen on the throne, with Melchett on her left and Nursie to her right. Melchett is holding a quill and writing something.

Queenie:
Ah, Bill nice of you to drop in!

Melchett:
Ah, Mr Shakespeare… (Melchett shakes Percy’s hand)

Percy:
Yes, um, err, I have come to collect the play.

Melchett:
Already? Here you go (Melchett hands Percy the play)

Percy walks out. Blackadder and Baldrick are outside.

Blackadder:
Did you get it?

Percy shows the play.

Blackadder:
No time to look at it now, we’ll see it when we get back. Lead on! Lead on!

 

Scene V.
Blackadder, Percy, and Baldrick arrive back in the house. Blackadder walks into a room, and sits on the chair. Baldrick gathers round Blackadder whilst Percy stands tall in his costume.Blackadder:
Ha! My cunning plan has worked! At last, I can claim the money.

Percy:
I must say sir, that plan was rather cunning!

Blackadder:
Thank you Percy…

Blackadder looks excited and takes the manuscript. He looks at the front. The manuscript is not a play, instead it is just blank paper. Blackadder looks horrified.

Blackadder:
Percy?

Percy:
Yes sir?

Blackadder:
What is this?

Percy:
The script of course!

Blackadder:
Does this look like a script to you? (Blackadder shows Percy the paper)

Percy:
Errrrr…

Scene VI.
The scene cuts to the Queen’s chambers. Melchett is laughing to himself. Queenie and Nursie are seated.Melchett:
(laughing) I can’t believe it! Blackadder fell for it! I can’t believe it!

Queenie:
Blacky is pretty stupid isn’t he?

Melchett:
Indeed ma’am, indeed (Melchett continues laughing)

Nursie:
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Queenie:
Oh well. How is the play coming on Melchy?

Melchett:
Excellently ma’am. I have completed it. I am sure that it is better than anything that Lord Blackadder has come up with. At least now, he cannot get his hands on this. (Melchett holds up his manuscript)

Rather coincidentally, there is a knock on the door. It is Shakespeare. He is let in, but is immediately received with laughs, as Melchett and Queenie, think that it is Percy again, and that it is one of Blackadder’s jokes. It’s not.

Shakespeare:
Afternoon all

Melchett:
Nice joke Blackadder! (Melchett is not impressed) I like the beard, very real! (He tugs at it) Well fastened on as well. My!

William Shakespeare is not impressed and is angry.

Shakespeare:
I am William Shakespeare!

Melchett gulps. He knows that he has made a big mistake. The scene cuts back to the time machine.

Blackadder:
You see Baldrick; it’s all coming together.

Baldrick:
Yes sir.

The scene cuts back.

Melchett:
umm….

Blackadder enters.

Melchett:
I can explain, it’s…

Blackadder:
No need to explain Melchett. The contents of your trousers say it all.

Shakespeare:
In that case, and after that dreadful display of insolence, I have no hesitation in awarding the 1000 pounds to Edmund Blackadder, and his play wins. (it’s called ‘Romeo and Ethel, the pirates daughter. Later renamed ‘Romeo and Juliet’).

Blackadder is given the money by William Shakespeare and they shake hands.

Blackadder:
Thank you. (Blackadder bows)

Blackadder turns and has a devilish smile on his face and tweaks his beard. He grins at Melchett who looks very upset and disappointed.

Scene VII.
The scene is Blackadder’s mansion. Blackadder, Percy, and Baldrick enter. They sit down. Blackadder asks Percy a question.
Blackadder:
What a day! Oh well, I’m a thousand pounds richer.

Percy looks suggestively.

Blackadder:
Percy, I would not give you my money, if my life depended on it. Bloody cheek. Percy you have the brains and tact of a wildebeest.

Percy:
Thank you sir.

Blackadder:
What a day! But one thing confuses me Percy. Why were you wearing the Shakespeare costume?

Percy:
Well it’s the queen’s fancy dress birthday party tonight.

Blackadder:
(slowly) The, queen’s birthday, party?

Percy:
Yes she said that anyone that didn’t turn up got ex-ec-ut-ed.

Blackadder:
What time is the party?

Percy:
um, 6 o’clock.

Blackadder:
And the time now is…

Percy:
7 o’clock.

Percy and Blackadder stare at each other.

Blackadder:
(Screams) OH MY GOD!

Spontaneously and simultaneously they both run out the room together.

(FADE TO BLACK)

The scene goes to the time machine, with Blackadder and Baldrick.

Baldrick:
I would have loved to have been alive when Shakespeare was, to have seen his plays, and to have been in one of his plays.

Blackadder:
You in one of his plays? The only part you’d play well is a total moron, or a corpse.

Baldrick:
It’s amazing to thing sir that our relatives actually lived then. Although things did not always go ads smoothly as that…

Blackadder:
No Baldrick, they didn’t.

Scene VIII. title: Statue and statuesque (based on series III)
Blackadder is in the kitchen with Baldrick. Mrs. Miggins is there making cakes, and bread. Blackadder is eating his dinner, and Baldrick is cleaning. The bell rings from upstairs.

Baldrick:
Coming!

Baldrick leaves, and makes his way upstairs to the Prince Regent’s chambers. Baldrick returns a few seconds later.

Baldrick:
It’s the Prince sir, he wants to see you.

Blackadder:
Oh god, yet another unmissable opportunity to tuck the fatted walrus into bed.

 

Scene IX:
Blackadder makes his way to the prince, and knocks on the door, of the Prince’s chambers.Prince Regent:
Come!

Blackadder enters. The prince is wearing a pair of blue and white trousers with a silk white shirt. In the room with him are two statues. One is a statue of a naked man, and the other is a rather ugly looking statue, that looks like Baldrick.

Blackadder:
If you don’t mind my asking sir, but what are they?

Prince Regent:
Ah. Those are my new statues. Napoleon Boneparte gave them to me, as a gift.

Blackadder:
Sir with all due respect, they are the ugliest thing since the statue of David. They are about as appealing as eating slug casserole, and they are as out of place as a nun in a strip club.

Prince Regent:
Hurrah! Well, I knew you’d like them!

Blackadder despairs. He can’t believe how the prince can be so crass and stupid.

Blackadder:
Why did you want to see me sir?

Prince Regent:
Well, I’ve just heard word that word that the Prime Minister Spencer Perceval is coming tomorrow night.

Blackadder looks confused.

Blackadder:
Why is the Prime Minister coming here?

Prince Regent:
He didn’t say.

Blackadder:
What are you going to do about the statues sir?

Prince Regent:
What do you mean?

Blackadder:
You can’t let the Prime Minister see them!

Prince Regent:
Umm, suppose you’re right. What am I going to do with them?

Blackadder:
Don’t worry about it, I’ll sort it out. (He’s stuck)

Blackadder goes downstairs where Baldrick is still cleaning. Blackadder looks angry.

Blackadder:
Oh god!

Baldrick:
Something wrong Mr B?

Blackadder:
There’s always something-wrong Baldrick. That pea-brained Prince has got two statues up there that look like they were sculpted by two perverted drunk Frenchmen, after drinking half a gallon of whiskey. On top of that, the Prime Minister is coming round for tea tomorrow night!

Mrs Miggins:
Oh that’ll be nice!

Blackadder:
Nice? The Prince Regent has the manners of a drunken German. The night will be a disaster.

Baldrick moves towards Blackadder.

Baldrick:
Don’t worry sir, I have a cunning plan.

Blackadder:
Baldrick, your plans are about as idiotic and pointless as Lord Nelson in a eye spy contest, and they have as much conviction as an Italian in a false moustache… (Long pause) Oh alright, go on then.

Baldrick:
Well, I was thinking. Why don’t you pretend to be the Prime Minister, and make sure the Prince Regent doesn’t realise it’s you, and then you can have the meal, and the night is a success.

Blackadder hits Baldrick round the back of the head.

Blackadder:
Baldrick that is probably the worst plan in existence. Still I wasn’t expecting much.

Blackadder hits him again.

Mrs Miggins:
Cheer up Mr B. Why don’t you have one of my cakes.

Blackadder:
Because the last person that ate one of your cakes ended up dead. Perhaps that what Marie Antoinette meant when she said to the peasants ‘let them eat cake.’ More precisely, your cakes!

Mrs. Miggins looks perplexed, and carries on baking. Cut back to the time machine.

Blackadder:
We could have done with this time machine back there. As you see Baldrick, things never went according to plan…

Scene X.
It’s the following day. Blackadder is eating breakfast and Baldrick is eating some scraps. The bell rings

Blackadder:
Fish Brain awakes. Make me up some coffee will you Baldrick.

Blackadder walks upstairs. He knocks on the Prince’s bedroom door, and enters.

Blackadder:
You wanted to see my sir?

Prince Regent:
Yes. It’s the statues.

Blackadder:
What about them sir?

Blackadder looks around to find that the whole room is covered in them.

Blackadder:
Sir, why are there even more of them in the room now?

Prince Regent:
Someone said that these statues were good luck. So I got some more. They are rather nice don’t you think?

Blackadder:
umm, yea, yea, yes, sir, they’re fabulous.

Prince Regent:
I got news from the Prime Minister that he is on his way now to discuss some important news.

Blackadder:
Now?

Prince Regent:
Yep.

Blackadder:
But if he sees the statutes he’ll go mad.

Prince Regent:
Yes I was hoping that you could help. Perhaps getting rid of them or something like that.

Blackadder:
AHHHHH!

Scene XI.
Mrs Miggins’s coffee shop, 1 hour later. Blackadder enters.Mrs Miggins:
Hello Mr B.

Blackadder:
A cup of coffee please Mrs Miggins.

Mrs Miggins:
Still got no further with the statute removing?

Blackadder:
I’m afraid not.

Blackadder finishes his cup of coffee, and makes his way out. It cuts back to the time machine.

Baldrick:
I feel trouble…..

Blackadder:
Yup!

Scene XII.
Baldrick is in the kitchen preparing dinner for the Prime Minister. He is cooking something that would look kinder under the foot of a horse. Blackadder inspects the cooking.Blackadder:
Baldrick, what’s that?

Baldrick:
It’s my turnip stew sir.

Blackadder:
It looks like dysentery. Baldrick the Prime Minister of England is coming to tea, and you intend on giving him that?

Baldrick:Yep.

Blackadder hits Baldrick.

Blackadder:
Give me that.

Blackadder continues cooking. He picks up a pot marked ‘Rat Poison’ without noticing. He pours half the pot in to one of the plates.

Blackadder:
There! That ought to do it!

There is a knock at the door. Blackadder picks up the dishes and puts them on to a tray. He goes to answer the door and instructs Baldrick to take the plates upstairs. Blackadder knocks on the door to the prince’s chambers.

Prince Regent:
Come!

Blackadder:
Sir the Prime Minister of England.

Prince Regent:
Ah, Mr Perceval, please, take a seat.

There is some dinner on the table, and the Prime Minister seats to eat the meal. With the Prime Minster is his wife. Everyone starts to eat. The statues have been removed from the room. Blackadder is seated next to Baldrick.

Blackadder:
(whispering the Baldrick) What have you done with the statues?

Baldrick:
Do not worry sir, I put then where nobody would find them.

Prime Minister:
Umm… Slightly… Slightly odd taste to this.

Prime Minister’s wife:
Yes, tastes a bit like…

She then starts to choke, after having eaten rat poison. Hers is the only one that has been affected.

Prime Minister’s wife:
Yes, I’m, err, arrr, choke, choke, choking!

She drops down dead. Blackadder looks stunned. The prince Regent does not know what to make of it.

Prime Minister:
Oh my god!

Blackadder:
Errrr….

Baldrick:
Errrrr…

Prime Minister:
My wife, she’s, she’s d-d dead.

The prince Regent looks round to see the dead body.

Prince Regent:
Oh yes.

The Prime Minister is shocked, and Blackadder leads him away. The Prince Regent and Baldrick follow.

Scene XIII.
The scene is outside the Prince’s chambers. Blackadder leads the Prime Minister into another room, whilst Baldrick brings the Prime Minister’s wife. He opens the door. Blackadder is looking down at the floor, guiding him in. In the room are the statues.Prime Minister:
Ah, that’s better thank you. Well I have some crucial news to tell you that will change this country forever. It’s…

The Prime Minster looks up at the room, and sees the statues.

Prime Minister:
Ah! The statues! They’re…

The Prime Minister drops down dead. He was so shocked at the sight of the statues that he drops down with a heart attack.

Blackadder:
Uh oh!

Baldrick:
Oh dear.

Prince Regent:
Oh what a blow. He’s corked it too! What are we going to do?

Blackadder:
Don’t worry sir, I’ll deal with it. Baldrick!

Blackadder and Baldrick take the bodies downstairs. They hide the bodies away.

Blackadder:
What a disaster! What exactly did you put into that meal?

Baldrick:
Don’t know, couldn’t have been me.

Blackadder looks on the shelf and sees the rat poison.

Blackadder:
This may explain it. (Showing Baldrick the rat poison)

Suddenly there is a knock on the door. It is the police looking for the Prime Minister. The Prime Minister was reported missing. They are in trouble.

Baldrick:
Sir, it’s the police, what do we do?!

Blackadder:
Oh great! We’re doomed, It’s the last time I’ll try to cook that’s for sure!

Blackadder smiles, as Baldrick looks on.

Scene cuts back to the time machine.

Baldrick:
Oh that was quite bad. He looked to be in a sticky situation. Do you think that your great great granddad was ever caught?

Blackadder:
I dunno Baldrick. One thing’s for sure, It wasn’t as bad this…

The scene cuts to WWI and 1916.

Scene XIV. Title: Corporal Carols (based on series IV)
It is the trenches, and Blackadder is sitting on his bed, and looks glum. He’s listening to some music. Baldrick is by the entrance to the trench, and he is fixing his bag. George is nowhere to be seen. It is Christmas Eve, 1916.

Blackadder:
Don’t you just hate Christmas?

Baldrick makes himself visible.

Baldrick:
No. Why? Do you?

Blackadder:
Of course!

Baldrick:
Why is that sir?

Blackadder:
Let me refresh your memory. Christmas 1914, and only a few months into the war. We’re almost sent over the top. If it were not for the fact that you suffered explosive diarrhoea, and it was thought that it would be safer not to send us over, we’d all be dead. Christmas 1915. We, instead of taking the Germans as prisoners decided to let them entertain us instead. Two and a half hours of fart jokes, and awful gags about, ‘What is the quickest route to Berlin?’ And today, Christmas 1916 we’re to go over the top.

Baldrick:
Go over the top sir?

Blackadder:
Yep. I just received note from staff HQ that our Christmas present consists of us being sent over the top. General Melchett thinks it is far kinder to let the Germans slaughter us rather than the copious amounts of booze on Christmas Eve.

Baldrick:
(distressed) Oh, I hate this War sir! All we’ve ever done in the last year and a half is staying here in this dirty trench, and me being made to clean out the latrine. Guns, shells, booms, and bangs, and bogs. That’s all I’ve ever heard!

Blackadder and Baldrick both look glum.

Blackadder:
Nothing on this earth could be worse.

At that moment, George walked in, skipping and signing and whistling merrily.

Blackadder:
(looks up at George) With one exception!

George:
Tip, hip, barf, barf, whoops, dee, how’s your mother etc.

Blackadder:
Well, how come you’re so happy?

George:
I’ve just been to staff HQ.

Blackadder:
What, did that old walrus breath make you prune his moustache?

George:
Even better than that!

Blackadder:
What then?

George:
We’re to have a Christmas party!

Baldrick:
Oh I love a party sir!

Blackadder:
Oh yes, the traditional Christmas party. Over three hours of charades, dancing round the kitchen table, and singing to the chorus of ‘My old man’s a Walnut’

George:
I know. What joy!

The phone rings

Blackadder:
Hello, Christ Church Community center, Sister Wendy speaking.

Darling:
Ah Captain Blackadder.

Blackadder:
(Sarcastically) ah captain Darling, how nice of you to wish us a merry Christmas before we go over the top.

Darling:
General Melchett wants to see you immediately.

Blackadder:
God! Alright I’m on my way.

Blackadder slams down the telephone in anger.

George:
Who was that sir?

Blackadder:
That fool General Melchett. He undoubtedly wants to wish me a merry Christmas before the big push.

Baldrick:
Are we really going over the top?

Blackadder:
Yep. One last Christmas party and then we get massacred.

Baldrick has an idea. Blackadder leaves to see General Melchett.

It cuts back to the time machine.

Baldrick:
I see what you mean sir. It never did go smoothly back then.

Scene XV.
General Melchett’s HQ. Darling is there at his desk, and Blackadder enters.Darling:
Captain Blackadder.

Blackadder:
Captain Darling.

General Melchett enters.

Melchett:
BBBBBBBAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Blackadder and Darling frown as Melchett is wearing a Father Christmas hat, and is wearing a Christmas costume.

Melchett:
Ah, Blackadder, glad you dropped in. Now, as you know the bi-annual Christmas party is coming up…

Blackadder:
Bi-annual, sir?

Darling:
Yes, the general insists on having a Christmas party in the middle of June, for some reason…

Melchett:
Bahhh. Nonsense. You can never have too many Christmas parties!

Blackadder:
…So why did you want to see me sir?

Melchett:
Well, it is the Christmas party tonight. The trouble is that I have no one to organise it. I want you to be the organiser.

Blackadder:
Ah, sir. I don’t think…

Melchett:
You can always go over the top now!

Blackadder realises that it is a good idea, and compromises.

Blackadder:
It would be an honour sir.

Blackadder salutes and then leaves, slightly annoyed.

 

Scene XVI.
Back in the dugout…Blackadder:
I don’t believe it! I can’t organise a Christmas party!

Baldrick:
Do not worry sir, for I have a cunning plan!

Blackadder:
Please forgive me if I don’t put on a party hat, wear some jingle bells, and sing ‘Silent Night’ whilst dancing merrily and shouting ‘It’s a Miracle’!

Baldrick:
Don’t worry sir. To tell, the truth, I’m not too sure myself.

Blackadder:
What’s your plan then?

Baldrick:
Well I was thinking. Why don’t you go to HQ, and say that you’re sick and that you can’t do organise the party.

Blackadder:
Yes, I’m not sure how to put this, but that is probably the worst plan, since Sven the Terrible decided to pick his ears with his sword, and cut off his head.

Baldrick:
Thank you sir!

George:
Drink sir?

Blackadder:
Thanks.

George pours Blackadder a whiskey. (Actually it’s dirty water)

Blackadder:
It looks like I’m doomed!

Baldrick:
Do you want me to help sir?

Blackadder:
No. You’re as much help as a bayonet through the genitals.

Blackadder gets up as Baldrick looks on.

Scene XVII.
The scene is the dugout. Blackadder is putting out some decorations whilst Baldrick is preparing something in the kitchen. George is also helping with the decorations. Some presents are assembled. There is also a small Christmas tree in the corner of the trench. It is actually a very meagre twig thing. Baldrick enters.

Baldrick:
My Christmas lunch is almost prepared for tomorrow sir.

Blackadder:
Christmas lunch? What have you cooked?

Baldrick:
Come see sir!

Baldrick escorts Blackadder into the kitchen area, where there is a disgusting mess assembled. It’s the Christmas dinner.

Blackadder:
That is the Christmas dinner?

Baldrick:
Yep!

Blackadder:
Baldrick, don’t find it too rude if I ask; What is it?

Baldrick:
Well for starters there’s turnip soup. I couldn’t find any actual turnips so I moulded some turnips from the mud outside and I couldn’t find any other ingredients so I had to make do with alternatives. For seconds there is the superb turkey lunch. Well muddy pigeon.

Blackadder:
Pigeon?

Baldrick:
Yeah. That is served with mud sauce, and for pudding, there is chocolate cake. Well, that’s if there was chocolate. Instead I’ve had to make do with my…

Blackadder:
Yes, yes I get the picture. Oh god!

 

Scene XVIII.
Two hours later, the Christmas party is underway in the trench. All of Blackadder’s company is there, as well as most of the other men within a two-mile radius. Captain Darling and Melchett are there. A few drinks later…. Well a bloody lot of drinks later.

Blackadder:
Well it seems to have worked out okay Baldrick.

Baldrick:
Yes sir.

George:
Can I open my present from you?

Blackadder:
Go on then.

George goes off to open the present, whilst Blackadder has another drink. CH Melchett, ‘walrus face’ is almost in a paralytic state and Darling is likewise better suited to a hospital ward. Everyone is having a good time and Blackadder turns to Melchett who is barely conscience.

Melchett:
Good party Blackadder! Almost makes going over the top tomorrow worth it! BAAAAAahhhhhh!

Blackadder:
Going over the top sir?

Melchett:
Yes, tomorrow at midday.

Blackadder:
I organised the party thought! A joke surely?

Melchett:
Nope!

Blackadder calls over Baldrick.

Blackadder:
Baldrick, fetch the Christmas dinner will you!

Baldrick:
But sir, it’s…

Blackadder:
Just do it bog breath!

5 minutes later and the dinner is on the table. Everyone sits to eat…

Blackadder:
Excellent Baldrick! Excellent! Don’t worry, by the morning they’ll have forgotten that we’re going over the top.

Baldrick:
Let’s hope so sir!

George:
Oh sir! What fun, I am intoxicated by the spirit of Christmas!

Blackadder:
Would that be Whiskey or vodka?

They all sit to eat. Blackadder hopes that the food is okay. Everyone except Blackadder and Baldrick eat the food, and he hopes that Melchett would eat the food and then forget about Blackadder going over the top.

Blackadder:
Merry Christmas everyone.

Everyone:
Merry Christmas!!

Blackadder laughs and the scene ends. (The following day everyone was hit with food poisoning, and Blackadder and George and Baldrick are saved. Everyone had a very, very, very merry Christmas!)

The scene cuts back to the time machine.

Baldrick:
So he actually did get out of going over the top sir?

Blackadder:
Yep. It didn’t last though, he was sent over the top with the rest of the company, not long after.

Baldrick:
The war was certainly horrible. I wonder what it is going to be like in the near future. I wonder what it would be like if we weren’t in the time machine, and if life hadn’t have turned out like it did….

Blackadder:
I don’t know Balders. It probably would have turned out like it always does. In disaster. When there’s a Baldrick around, there’s always trouble….

The scene cuts to the alternative future.

Scene XIX. Title: Y2K (Based on back and forth)
The scene now cuts again. This time it is the year 1999. It is December and the new Millennium is approaching. It is a busy town scene and Blackadder and Baldrick are sitting in a house together. Baldrick works as a servant and Mrs Miggins also works as a servant. George lives with Blackadder, and they are all preparing for the new millennium.

Blackadder:
Well balders. Y2K is almost upon us.

Baldrick:
Y2 what?

Blackadder:
Y2-K! As in the year 2000.

Baldrick:
Oh. Well, I certainly can’t wait sir. One thing does worry me though sir.

Blackadder:
What’s that Baldrick?

Baldrick:
Well, that Millennium Spider.

Blackadder:
I think you mean the Millennium Bug Baldrick.

Baldrick:
Oh yeah.

Blackadder:
Yes the Millennium ‘bug’. One huge metaphorical bug, that threatens to wipe out all computers. What will actually happen, is that it will perhaps slightly distract a small cash register in Aberdeen.

Just at that moment, George enters looking like a complete prat. (Nothing unusual there).

George:
Oh sir, can you feel it? Year 2000, only a couple of days away! 2000 years of our great lord! Oh I love history you know. Did that at Cambridge. What an exciting ride it has been. I suppose one can not look to the future without having a peak into the past.

Blackadder:
Do you want to know what history was actually like?

Baldrick and George:
Yes!

Blackadder:
Alright then….

Scene XX
The scene goes all misty and Blackadder is transporting them into a dream. The dream opens with 1066. It is Hastings, and there is harsh conflict between the Normans and a small group of fishmongers from Sussex; The English.

(Somewhere on a small hill in Hastings)

King Harold:
We must attack the French. They threaten to dominate this country and dethrone me. We must fight for the honour of this country. Men are you with me?

Men:
Yes!

Harold progressed towards the French army, led by William Duke of Normandy.

Duke Of Normandy:
(in a French accent) Those British scum are charging towards us on their horses, what shall we do?

1st Man:
Err, I think we charge too.

Duke of Normandy:
Oh okay…Charge! (Charging on his horse.) This spear is really annoying. It is big, and protrusive, and is really, really, painful…

William chucks his spear. It flies towards Harold and hits him in the eye.

Harold:
AH! My eye! All is lost! The battle is lost!

William wins the battle and the Norman rule begins.

The scene cuts back to Blackadder and co.

George:
Did it really happen like that?

Blackadder:
Look, whose telling this story? You or me!

The scene cuts back to another date. It is 1533. Henry VIII sits on the throne.

Henry VIII:
Anne my dear. I feel as if we don’t get on anymore. I feel as though we are drifting apart. So, there is no easy way of telling you this, but. I’m going to cut your head off.

The scene cuts back to Blackadder and co.

George:
Hairy blighters sir!

Scene XXI.
The scene changes again, this time to 1939. The war is in full flow, and men are dying.

Corporal:
Our men are dying out there!

Field Marshall:
Yes, I know, what shall we do?

Corporal:
I don’t know! God, bloody Germans!

The scene cuts to a trench. The men are fighting in the trench.

Soldier:
Bloody hell! We’re done for if it carries on like this!

Shots are fired and men drop dead. There is a brutal moment when one soldier is blown to pieces by gunfire. The soldier in the trench sees the deaths and decides to climb over the trench. There is another soldier there with him.

Soldier 1:
I can’t take this any longer! I’m going over!

Soldier 2:
NO!!!!!!!!!!!!

A bullet flies towards the soldier’s head, and just before it hits…

Mrs Miggins:
Mr Blackadder!

Blackadder:
What is it?

Mrs Miggins:
Someone on the phone for you.

Blackadder walks off, whilst Baldrick and George ponder. Blackadder returns.

Baldrick:
What was it sir?

Blackadder:
Oh just Melchett. Wants to know if I will be going to the big knees up in Greenwich. What joy! Sitting round in the freezing cold, staring in the distance with this huge white Dome staring back at me. Right where was I?

George:
You were saying about history.

Blackadder:
Oh yes. Well history certainly has been interesting. Especially the 20th century. Two world wars, Margaret Thatcher, and Duran Duran! On the lighter side of things, we have had the Internet and Winston Churchill to name but a few.

Baldrick:
I wonder what the future will be like sir?

Blackadder:
Let’s have a look shall we?

The scene cuts to the future. It is the year 2050, and there is a scene of war. There is fighting and it is a futuristic scene. There are lasers and robots, and it looks like something out of a sci-fi film. In the fighting, are Blackadder and Baldrick. They are fighting the robots, and they are saving the world.

The scene cuts back to present day…

George:
You mean that robots will try to take over the world?

Blackadder:
Well, I might be exaggerating a little…

Baldrick:
The future looks scary sir!

Blackadder:
I wouldn’t worry Baldrick. If it ever did come to warfare, the opposition would be dead within about two seconds.

Baldrick and George both nods.

Baldrick:
Our families have had quite a good history too.

Blackadder:
Yes, I suppose they have….

Scene XXII
The scene cuts to series 1, and 1488. Edmund (snivelling toad) is in his room with Percy and Baldrick.

Edmund Blackadder:
God, I hate new year’s eve parties. My father always insists of making a complete fool of himself.

Percy:
Yes, I remember last year when he had a drunken party and ended up getting so carried away that he cut half the people’s heads off.

Blackadder:
Well, not this year!

Baldrick:
How you going to stop him my lord?

Blackadder:
Easy, I will have to let’s so incapacitate him somehow. He he he!

Baldrick:
Have you got a plan my lord?

Blackadder:
Yes I have!

The New Year’s eve party is in full swing. The king is at the dinner table with all the guests. They are ready to toast the New Year.

Richard IV:
It’s new year again! Let’s all feast the New Year, and party like it’s 1489! Ha ha!

Edmund goes up to his father.

Blackadder:
Um, yes, err, hi, oh, yes, euuughhhhrrrr, umm. Hello father.

The king turns to someone on his left.

Richard IV:
(Whispering) Who is that?

Man:
It is your son your majesty.

Richard IV:
My son. What!!!!!! Oh yes, of course. The ugly one, oh what’s his name…?

Man:
Edmund my lord.

Richard IV:
Of course, Osman! What do you want you slimy rat?

Blackadder:
Why thank you father. I am indeed a low life rat. Um, I, was, err, wondering if you would like to come downstairs to see something.

Richard IV:
See! See what?

Blackadder:
It is mother, she is sick.

Richard IV:
That woman’s always sick!

Blackadder:
But she’s really sick.

Richard IV:
Oh alright then! (Inspecting his food) Chisick? Fresh horses!

He throws his food into the air, and marches off. Edmund leads him into a room, and then locks it behind him. He has locked his father in.

Blackadder:
That’s better! Now with father gone, I can take control!

Baldrick and Percy are there.

Baldrick:
Oh you are cunning my lord.

Blackadder:
Thank you Baldrick.

They walk off with Edmund smiling

The scene cuts back to Blackadder and co.

George:
What a sneak! I suppose my family hasn’t been the best of people either. I remember my great grandfather Lieutenant George told my Granddad about World War 1, and told my about life in the trench with your relatives.

Blackadder:
Yes, I would have loved to have been there. Well we are due at the party.

They all travel to the party in Greenwich, London, and there is a huge display of fireworks. The fireworks are going off, and the countdown to Y2K draws near.

George:
Isn’t it great sir, to know that in 1 minute we will be in the year 2000!

Blackadder:
Quite frankly no. It feels me with as much excitement, as the prospect of sharing a bed with Margaret Thatcher on a cold winter’s eve.

The countdown is almost upon them. 30 seconds to go.

Baldrick:
Well sir, one thing is for sure. Life has been one big rollercoaster of war, peace, love, and hate. One thing is for sure. There has been a great history of Blackadders and Baldricks, and Georges. As far as I know there will always be that history.

The countdown begins. 10,9,8,7,6,5,4

Baldrick:
…And who knows what the future holds?

3,2,1…

Blackadder:
Shut up Baldrick.

0!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fireworks explode, and the year 2000 arrives. Blackadder, Baldrick, and George see in the new millennium, and leave many questions unanswered. The scene briefly cuts to the time machine.

Baldrick:
So if we weren’t here our lives would have turned out like that?

Blackadder:
Yes, I suppose so.

Baldrick:
I’m glad I’m here sir.

Blackadder:
Well I’m not. Well, Balders, that was our future, and who knows what the future holds? Hopefully some stronger deodorant.

Blackadder walks out of the time machine.

Blackadder:
Come on Baldrick, we have to win our bet!

Baldrick looks on and ponders the future.

Baldrick:
Yes, Who knows what the future holds?

He leaves the machine too, and the scene cuts with a question mark left. However, one thing is for sure; The Blackadder dynasty will remain long into the future….

THE END

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