The Biblical Years

The following text was posted to “alt.comedy.british.blackadder” by Ulrich Schreitmueller.
I hope you enjoy it… I did.

Please put your hands together for Mr. Ulrich Schreitmueller.

Well, well, well, a new Blackadder serires. Of course I’d be more than happy to see it made, but there is this nagging feeling in the back of my head…

No, it’s not a flea, it’s just that a couple of months back I started writing a piece of BA fanfic about Edmund being actually Judas. He’d try to make a lot of cash out of Jesus’ reputation, unwittingly being responsible for all the “miracles” and good things while always ending up with less than he started…

Oh well, for all it’s worth, here’s what i’ve come up with so far – I doubt that i’ll ever finish it, now.

It’s not much, but since people have already posted imaginary scenes here, a few more probably won’t hurt.

Here you go, enjoy these scraps…

CAST:
Judus Edmund Ischariot – Rowan Atkinson
Baldrick, a diciple – Tony Robinson
Jesus of Nazareth – Hugh Laurie (In Prince George mode)
God – Brian Blessed
Mary, mother of Jesus – Helen Atkinson-Wood, Elspet Gray or Mirrium Margoyles (as a chaste version)
Maria Magdalena – Miranda Richardson
Pontius Pilate – Stephen Fry
Cevinnus Amatus, a secretary of Pilate – Tim McInnerny

I think that Patsy Byrne would make an excellent Mary, mother of Jesus – Mad Gerald

Possible Plots (all right, so they’d need LOTS of polishing):

The wedding at Cana :
Edmund swaps wine with water, intending to nick lots of wine for himself, but Baldrick confuses the containers twice, so that at first people believe that the wine is empty, then it miraculously seems to appear instead of water.

The stoning of Maria Magdalena:
Edmund is attracted to her and convinces Jesus to stop the people from stoning her, however she believes Jesus saved her and throws herself at him, not edmund.

The fraternization with sinners:
Actually Edmund’s friends who got invited to a party without Jesus knowing it.

The sermon on the mountain (“who wrote this dribble?”) / Feeding of the 5,0000
Arranged by some cunning plan or other, perhaps a shady deal with a local caterer which leaves Edmund high and dry when people choose to believe in a miracle rather than pay for their food. ” This is going to cost me an arm and a leg…. Not my arm and leg, obviously: Baldrick, come here.”

Violation of the Sabbath Laws:
Guess who started it.

The Last Supper & Crucifixion:
Of course without the remorseful suicide of Judud, but perhaps his death by silly accident. He might even meet God, who tells him that although he acted out of greed, a lot of good came out of it, so Edmund gets “rewarded” by being reincarnated forever…

And here’s the intro scene of Episode 1, which is a far as I’ve got…

(Judus Ischariot sits on the edge of a field, half asleep beneath a tree. A flock of sheep grazes on the field. Baldrick is sitting next to him.)

Blackadder:
(Sighs) Well, Balders, if I were to say that this is what i expected from life, i’d be a bigger liar than the messenger in Saul’s army who described Goliath as “a diminuitive shrimp”

Baldrick:
What do you mean?

Blackadder:
Well, look at me! Judus Edmund Ischariot, son of Roderick Ischariot, the richest merchant in the whole district! And how do I have to spend my days? Herding sheep, that’s how! I, who should have inherited half the family fortune when father dies. (Sigh) But now i never will!

Baldrick:
And why not?

Blackadder:
I told you before Baldrick, but your brain would make a sieve look solid and watertight, so i’ll tell you again.
My dear brother Harry one day comes up to father, says he wants his half of the family fortune right now, before the old man’s snuffed it.

Baldrick:
Oh, but that’s horrible!

Blackadder:
Yes, if oinly I’d thought of it first…
Anyway, he takes the cash, buggers off to Jerusalem and we think we’ll never hear of him again, good riddance.

Baldrick:
But you did.

Blackadder:
Exactly. Five sodding years later the prodigal bastard returns, minus all the money of course, which in Jerusalem he converted to all the wine and expensive concubines his tongue could take care of. And instead of giving him a decent punch in the face like he deserves, father welcomes him home, prepares a huge feast and makes the biggest fuss since our forefathers danced around that golden bovine at Sinai.

Baldrick:
Well, why didn’t you say anything to your father?

Blackadder:
Ah, but of course i did. I said “Well, dear father, you slaughtered the calf that was intended for MY birthday next week, you gave him some of MY best robes to dress him, why the hell don’t you give him MY part of the inheritance as well?”
Of course my father has a less sense for irony than Noah had for zookeeping, and this is why I sit here now. If only someone would offer me a way out of this mess…

Baldrick:
(after much silence and hard thinking) Sir… I have a cunning plan.

Blackadder:
(in an exaggeratedly friendly manner) Baldrick, you have been my friend since childhood. Not exactly a close friend, but someone weak and witless I can pick on to release my aggresions.
And among all the cunning plans i heard out of you so far, not a single one has been worth even thinking about the possibility of perhaps considering to glance at it from afar. But i need a good laugh right now, so let’s hear it.

Baldrick:
Well, YOU bugger off to Jerusalem for five years, spend all your money on wine and porcupines, and when you return and he’ll be so pleased to see you he’ll give you back everything.

Blackadder:
Nice one, Baldrick, slightly above average, which of course still is so low that a new word meaning “much more than low and then still going down a fair bit” would have to be invented. The flaw in the plan is that a, I have not enough money to get even a bottle of cheap booze and a dirty look from an elderly Jerusalem crone, let alone five years of merriment in the red light district of our capital city, and b, that my father hates me and would probably be glad if I ran off. (sighs) Ah – it just can’t get much worse.

Jesus:
(off camera) Tally-ho there my good chaps!

Blackadder:
And once again, fate proves me wrong by shoving the counterproof right up my nostrils.

[Jesus enters the scene]

Jesus:
I say, nice job you’re doing there, my fellow. Er. What exactly are you doing?

Blackadder:
(annoyed) I herd sheep.

Jesus:
Well, so did I in fact, that’s why I came here. But what are you doing now?

Blackadder:
(more annoyed) I told you, I herd sheep.

Jesus:
Yes, jolly good, i heard them too, i mean, can’t overhear them, can you?

Blackadder:
(stands up, shouting) I mean I’m a shepherd, a bloody shepherd! Got that, or do I have to hurt you very badly?

Baldrick:
Why him, too? You’re already herding those sheep pretty badly as it is…

Blackadder:
(trying to calm himself) Right. Let’s start again, shall we?
Who are you, fop?

Jesus:
I’m Jesus, from Nazareth. And, you’re not going to believe this, it’s so exciting…

Blackadder:
(bored) I shiver with anticipation.

Jesus:
(figeting, grinning, blushing) No, I can’t really tell you, it’s a bit embarrasing really…

Blackadder:
Out with it…

Jesus:
Well… apparently I’m the son of God.

Blackadder:
Of couse. (goes back to sleep)

Jesus:
No, really. I just found out! John told me, out in the desert!

Blackadder:
(with rekindled interest) Would that be John, the baptist?

Jesus:
Yes!

Blackadder:
The same John the baptist who has been living off wild honey, locusts and some very odd berries, herbs and mushrooms for the last forty days?

Jesus:
Yes, well….

Blackadder:
John the baptist who ran naked around the village, shouting that green winged elephants were about to eat his backside for tea, and who tried to strangle four renowned citicens with his beard before we carried him out into the desert to starve?

Jesus:
Well, that’s as may be, but I also saw a giant dove appear and heard a voice saying “This is my beloved son.”

Blackadder:
Ah, so you’ve been to the mushrooms as well.

Jesus:
Anyway, the voice told me to walk the land and spread the word of God. And I’m looiking for some people to accompany me.
Should be fun actually.
Y’know, you’re a herder of sheep now, I could, y’know, (chuckles, nudges Edmund) make you a “herder of men”. (snorts and giggles)

Blackadder:
(to Baldrick) If he tries this pickup line on everyone he meets, he’s gonna have a very lonely journey indeed.

Baldrick:
So you’re not going with him then?

Blackadder:
Of course not, Baldrick! Why should I leave all this to vagabond across the country in the company of some loony who believes himself the son of God, spreading the gospel, taking donations from the rich and gullible, spending the night with easily impressed females, and… … …what am i talking about?

Baldrick:
No idea, I didn’t catch any of that.

Blackadder:
(excited, rubbing hands) Never mind Baldrick, from now on I’m in business! Religious fanatics are all the rage right now, they atrract followers like you attract flies.
And with the right marketing, this guy could be my way to fame, sex and enormous sums of money. (grins wickedly)
So I’m off. If you want, you can come with me – I’ll need someone to carry my baggage.

Baldrick:
I’d love to, Sir. But what about the sheep?

Blackadder:
I’ve got to get packing – screw the sheep.

Baldrick:
What, all of them?

[Blackadder bops Baldrick on the head]

[Screen turns black. In archaic lettering, the following words appear, also read out by a booming voice:]

And it came to pass in those days that Jesus Christ, the son of the Lord our God, wandered the land in order to spread the Word among the people.

And there were with him a large number of disciples, and twelve of those were closest to him, and they were called his apostles.

And the twelfth among them was called Judus Ischariot. And he was a vile character, cunning and spineless, a black sheep, nay, a venomous reptile even, and all but Jesus knew it was so, and soon he was known amongst the people of Galilee as…

…The Black Adder!

(Title: “Black Adder 0: The First Temptation”. The familiar Blackadder theme is played in impressive orchestra mode, like in old monumental bible movies. Perhaps a theme song with large angelic chorus. Opening credits.)

There. Hope you liked it, if not, sorry to interrupt. Carry on.

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