The Kitchens

Mrs. Miggins

Hello my lovelies, how nice of you to drop in. Pull up a chair and sample some of my fine coffee and one of my new rock cakes. Mr. Blackadder loves it he does. Ooooh, that sounds rude. Like my horse sausage pie and milk custard. Anyway, I take it you’re here for my cookery class. I’ve put together some nice easy recipes for you, all you need to do is get your own ingredients and mix them all together. If you don’t have a required ingredient, just use something that looks like it. Salt is a good substitute for sugar and I always use ground rock in my rock cakes. Just don’t ask about my hot dog sausages in a bun. Ooooh my.


The cookbook:
Below are a selection of recipes submitted by Blackadder Hall visitors. I take no responsibility for any illness caused if you actually go ahead and make any of these recipes.


‘Rat a La Bouse’ – Yvonne Chalmers

Ingredients:
10 Freshly Maimed Rats.
10 Handfuls Of Fresh, Steaming Horse Dung.
10 Fleas From Baldrick’s Hair (One For Each Rat)

Method:
Maim 10 of the evil, cunning little bastards (rats) and take immense pleasure in tearing their fur off!(be sure to do it fairly quick as they need to be fresh!)

Then get a friend to go out into the barn and get 10 handfuls (one per of rat) steaming horse shit (if nobody will do it, just have a peak in the cats litter tray!).

Once you have de-furred and drained all of the blood and guts, stuff one handful of dung into each of the rat’s stomachs.

Then place the stuffed rats into the oven at about gas mark 6 for around 1/2 an hour. You?ll know when the rats are ready because the house will be filled with the smell of shit!

When dishing the rats, grab Baldrick and pull 10 fleas out of his hair and place them decoratively onto each rat. (Remember, only one per rat. lets not over indulge too much now!)

This meal is enough to feed at least 5 people (2 rats per guest) or if you are a fat greedy arsehole, you can have them all to yourself!

Bon appetite!

This recipe was brought to you by ‘Baldrick’s cooking company ltd’


Baldrick’s Battle Breakfast – James Alexander
A breakfast of steak and eggs has been a traditional meal before a battle, hence the cunning name “Battle Breakfast.” Baldrick has a special secret ingredient; however, that makes this a hit.

Method:
Make an omelette. It should have plenty of cheese and should be filled with well-cooked bits of steak sautéed in butter, perhaps with mushroom bits. The secret ingredient is available at any pet shop: a glittering cat collar (be sure to keep it clean and unused). When it gets time to fold the omelette over, drape the collar so that it hangs out of the sides and has a curved middle. Serve it without comment so that the breakfasters can guess what Baldrick has substituted for steak. If your family reacts the way my son Jeff did, your reputation as a chef will be secure.


Baldrick’s Stuffed Chicken – Jess

Ingredients:
One Chicken, which you have strangled to death
A lemon (whole)
Pond-weed or reeds
Badly milled flour which has gone all grainy
Stale Water (preferably Baldrick’s)
Fresh Chicken Feathers

Method:
Pluck chicken, keep the feathers. Don’t bother gutting the chicken, as these add extra flavour. Mix flour, water and pond-weed together, stuff into whatever cavity is in the chook. Stuff the lemon in whole, and then start stuffing the feathers into the chicken.

Cut off chicken’s head and feet, stuff these in as well.

Truss chicken and bake on hot coals for three days, until the whole kitchen is engulfed in black smoke.

A delightful accompaniment would be a dainty glass of the water used in the chicken stuffing.


Crème of Rat – James

Ingredients:
1 medium rat

Method:
Slice rat in half. Get potato masher and mash. Collect goo which squirms out. Pour over roast Turnip.


Grilled frog in a Scarlet Pimple-nell sauce – Laura

Method:
Pick a nice slimy frog fresh from a puddle or anywhere else as vile and contaminated and stretch it out onto a grill. Choose a particularly big pussy boil and squeeze the contents out into a bowl, (this may be quite difficult to do, standing near a mirror might help then if it squirts out you can wipe the puss off.)

When your frog is grilled enough to take most of the foul taste away smear with the sauce and hey presto!


Hair of Baldrick – Emma

Ingredients:
1 hair of Baldrick (freshly picked)
4 rotten eggs
Cats vomit cheese
1 sautéed rat (freshly drowned)

Method:
Grab Baldrick and rip a hair out. Put the hair and the four rotten eggs into a bowl and mix. (A nose peg might be useful) Add 20 grams of Cats vomit cheese and mix to a fine paste. Skin the freshly drowned rat and put the fine paste onto the rat. Grill for twenty minutes. This will give you ample time to book an ambulance. After the twenty minutes, eat, stand by the front door and wait for the ambulance.


Send in your own recipes:
If you have an amusing or rude recipe, add it at the bottom of the page as a reply – it really is that simple.

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